It has been a really strange couple months. Hence I re-read what I wrote on the post titled “A rush of blood to my head”. Especially the last couple lines. Even if the heart is willing, perhaps I should just insist on what the head says. Even if I become miserable, at least it is probably just one person. Me. Better one, than two.
October 9th, 2012 11:00 pm in My Shout Outs
July 24th, 2012 12:28 am in My Shout Outs
I am not a social-butterfly, but I don’t mean to be rude, or look rude. I don’t smile a lot but it doesn’t mean I frown a lot. I think? I just have no expression 😛
With 2 days left in Tokyo and me working quite late doing some tests on a program, I have become very active on facebook. I am not usually this active but I guess I have had enough of work so I tossed my laundry up to hang and dry, got a shot of whiskey and ate Ba Kua (BBQ pork). Yes my mom graciously brought some over when she visited Tokyo, en route to Hokkaido for a holiday. Aint she lucky? She does deserve every bit of it, in many many ways – most of which I will not state here.
I’ll dig into the nitty gritty stuff on how it has been for the past 4 weeks in another post.
More importantly, I think I’ve sorted out another level of myself through some chats I’ve had tonight while working on stuff. Basically, on relationships. You see for the longest time (actually since I was 19 probably) it has always been sorta the same cycle. 2 years, 2 years, 2 years. The last record was 2 years 2 months 2 days (I did count. And I was around… 21 or 22) and the last one pretty broke that record by a tad bit but nonetheless numbers are insignificant. Call it an occupational hazard – I do a post mortem.
The folks who know me since I was young sing pretty much the same tune. More or less. My older friends, have some advise for me – where relationships are concerned.
Earlier, I was rattling on and on about hermits and caves and what not. Even while in Tokyo I barely stick my head out if I didn’t need to. 2 or 3 times a week – dinner with colleagues. Weekends are mostly in solitude watching my DVDs which I brought here (3 kingdoms, all 95 episodes.. .damn good!). I am quite a hermit by nature, needing quiet personal time. Perhaps my cave is a place of solitude, where intrusions can get my hostile especially when I have had enough of people at work and I don’t want to see another human being within 10 feet from me.
For a while, I have known, unfortunately, that it includes partners as well. The elder friends of mine have given their thoughts on this, and I appreciate it. Thanks Alvin and bummy!
Today’s chat was on friendship. So I caught up with an old friend again on FB somehow and I was saying how strange it seems while I am away for a month or so and everyone starts booking me on my return as if I am merely visiting Singapore. They miss me, I suppose, and want to catch up. I feel very blessed and honoured. I spoke of an ex classmate of mine since Polytechnic days whom I don’t usually meet often at all. The last one was years ago. He asked me to check on some prices here in Japan and while I couldn’t find what he wanted, I bought another similar product anyway. And then we chatted and how long it has been and that kinda thing and he offered (plus insisted) on picking me up at the airport despite having no real need to do so. In my terms anyway. And then I looked at my bestie… and here I have the ex classmate… we sorta didn’t grow up as kids per se, but we were secondary school / poly kids back then. We all grew up somewhat. Most of us look and sound the same somehow. No change it seems and I feel quite nice with that cause it has a sense of nostalgia and familiarity.
It also struck me there and then. That somehow while I don’t meet this bunch of fellas often at all, we are somehow close from afar. They know I will help and I know they will help where needed. It is an inexplicable thing where it seems friendship that has stood the test of time, hold the strongest. More can mean less and less can mean more.
Put all those that everyone has said and told me, with this piece and perhaps I might have cracked the code why certain things happen the way it did. I have been looking for a missing link and I think I found it.
Of course, it doesn’t mean it can be fixed, or needs to be fixed. It means a picture is complete if that missing piece is found. That picture, can be a picture of beauty, or sorrow. It doesn’t matter. What matters is, it is now complete.
July 3rd, 2012 11:31 pm in My Shout Outs
We parted ways not because we don’t care bout each other anymore. It wasn’t because there’s no love. It seems to contradict if one says there wasn’t anything left in the tank. Then, what’s in the tank? I want a friendship still. But should I? This gatekeeper cannot protect a bond anymore. Then what is it that lingers? It isn’t always the case where every action has a reaction. Every action comes with more questions. If I can abstain for a year of blogging, I can certainly abstain from a lot of things. Especially what I said I would do if this was to end.
July 2nd, 2012 9:28 pm in My Shout Outs
Hello everyone. It has been more than a year since I last did a post. Ever since my maternal grandmother passed away, I intended to do a full year solace. I suppose I have exceeded that.
2012 was a year of many changes, both at work and at home. I recently posted on my facebook that I probably met most of goals set out this year, except for a few where due to circumstantial changes, they were no longer applicable.
Work has kept me busy. More busy than usual. I had a luncheon with an ex colleague recently and it was a good session of pouring out my inner thoughts. Since young I have had a couple ‘ambitions’. The first (by being a veterinarian) is most likely not achievable, or extremely difficult to achieve. It isn’t about grades but more of entry competition. Competition, that is far greater than going into medicine. The second, being able to set up a little ‘cute’ cafe or a food/alcohol joint, with my apartment just above. Wake up, head down, open the cafe and get everything prepped up all the way till closing time. It isn’t about money. I have little ambition to be the next big thing, but rather, life is short – hence, what makes me happy? Serving people ‘cute’ dishes and seeing them enjoy makes me happy. It sounds like a simple life but running a cafe is no easy feat. I recently lamented that I am no tech geek. Since the 80s I have watched the world transform into a world of technology. While it makes life more convenient somewhat, it has also made work and social life really hard to balance. Safe for a few jobs like aircrew where the work ends when the shift is over, many others in the corporate environment never really end work. Sure, some pay well enough to shut the mouth for a while but how long will it be before the corporate ‘bullcrap’ takes over one’s life, and mouth?
I actually yearn the days where cellphones meant nokia 8850 (one of my favorites ever. The one with the blue lighted screen?) and phones were meant to call and text. I remember the days where pagers were in fashion and you could use your phone to send text messages. Phrases were coded, like 143 for I love you. Kids today live in a world of technology and online gaming. 10 years down the road, how will kids be playing games I wonder?
Sega and Game Boy were huge back then. Before that, Western Bar was huge. Madonna and Michael Jackson led the charts. Today, the scene is different.
Let me acknowledge that while I lag behind a little, the feeling of nostalgia is hard to ignore. I’m sure many can relate to that. I used to say ‘It is nice to know that some things or some people don’t change’. It is extremely hard to come by and I haven’t quite figured out if it is a good thing or not. Yet. Perhaps it is age. Yes, I too grow older by the years. 30 being the new 20? Perhaps in a certain way. Teens are a lot a lot different from yesteryears.
So back to where I last left off. I wanted a solid career. I probably have one solid enough to make me lose hair. I wanted to do the things for people that I didn’t in the past. My grandmother’s passing was a good reminder that for some, they do not really have many more years to live. By being single, you could say it might be by choice, or it might be by destiny that has made me the way I am. It is by choice however that I decided to dedicate a lot of my life to family. By being the eldest on my paternal side, and somewhere down the line as one of the younger ones on my maternal side, it was sorta destined from an early age which side I would be closer to. It is nice to know that I am dear to a few deserving family members and friends. I could indeed tell myself, that I probably didn’t live in vain, thus far. I wanted to achieve quite a lot this year and I think I have managed to. Some would think I have acted on impulse on a few areas, but few would reckon what goes on in my head each day and what I think about before plunging into doing something. I have given up a few things for family, yet achieved a lot more for myself and others. I am glad.
On relationships. In some ways I think I have grown, yet in others I don’t think I have. What I reckon is while I have grown and learnt a little, I haven’t been able to keep up fast enough. Maybe, just maybe, it isn’t about keeping up. I see little change ever since I was 17 I reckon. Maybe I have toned down a little. Maybe I am still rather quiet although I try to say more. Or perhaps, none of the above happened. My elder friends do tell me, when I do meet the right person I will sense the change. I will change. For the person. These come from people who have been with their partners for more than a decade. Each time a relationship ends, I could almost sense deja vu. I hide. I know the ending. Like many however, when it finally happens, it still hurts. The poker face in me hides it all within. The only betraying trait that I have since I was young, is a rush of blood into my head which turns the entire head of mine a dark crimson red. The body reacts as a result of agitation, or a surge in emotion. The face don’t tell, but the colour does. I have had very good exes, and am pleased that I have never regreted by being with them. I’ve had exes with great ambition (and hence argue with me on virtually everything to prove who is the more knowledgeable one – which I have no interest in competing) to one who’s a lot simpler, forgiving and loving – even though it’s the person’s first relationship. I shared a love, and the person will always be a part of me. Not fated to be partners perhaps, but hopefully one day we can be good friends. They all say I aint no lousyluver. One thing is for sure – we all tried our best. I have to let go. We, have to let go. Pursue our individual aspirations. Maybe one day we will go one round and meet again. Maybe we won’t. Someone once told me many years ago, such is my destiny. To go one round but end back at the origin. Maybe. We shall see.
I will miss you. Yes, you.
On friendship, I think I scaled back a lot. I hid from a lot of people, almost refusing to meet many of them. I don’t know why. Perhaps I needed to be alone for a while. Perhaps I have shun away from the past. Perhaps I wanted a new beginning. Maybe. I don’t really know. When I decide to be out from hibernation, I suppose it will be quite obvious. I keep in touch with key friends. A selected few, which one can count with a bare hand. I do not yearn for more at this juncture.
I have dreams to fulfil still. Intentions to be met. Visions to be accomplished. I keep near term visions and goals, preferring to live for the immediate rather than plan for something so far that it is not visible. I may never reach there, so I’d rather work on the immediate. Such is my style and plan. When I accomplish a milestone, I head for the next. Haste is not speed.
Work does weigh me down. I will not deny that there is baggage on me either. I don’t know if I can at least put some down but I hope I can someday. I am trying to find solace, but knowing myself, that solace could be right in front of me yet I do not see it. I feel like I know myself too much, yet little of me has been explored to the deepest end. My work trip to Japan attempts to challenge that and I’ll write about that soon enough. I admire what someone I know has done – and that is to travel on his own, to discover the land and himself. I don’t think I can bring myself to do that, or perhaps I am too scared to trek uncharted territories. When I’m apprehensive, I tend to get hostile. I’ll snarl, bark, and maybe potentially attack. It is very possible, that the greatest enemy is not the unknown, or what the eyes see. It is perhaps, what the eye refuses to see. My biggest enemy, or demon, could be myself. I limit my capabilities, limit my wildness (some people would say I certainly had a wild side which quickly crashed and burned) and head back to the lonesome aloof being. Did someone say I would go one big round and head back to where (and what) I started off as? Hmmm…
I’m stubborn, reserved, aloof, but I would like to think I can be loving, and caring too. I do that in my own way and I am not quite sure if it is visible, but I do, and I am. I would think everyone has a bright and a dark side. Within a notorious mind is the devil’s favorite playground. Would it be too sad to say, that given another choice, I wouldn’t wanna be me? I could simply erase that last line I typed and it would never be apparent to anyone or myself. I’ll go on however to say, I rather not be anyone else. I aint perfect, but I am me. No one really owes anything to me, and I could say the same that I don’t owe anyone anything. I didn’t ask to be born, did I? But strangely I do think I owe it to a few people along the way, that has made my life aint that bad after all. Do I feel blessed? Yes I do, somewhat. I have had the bigger share of the pie in many many ways. As a matter of fact, I can take whatever slice of the pie that I want, virtually. Above all that however, I think I am still a little lost. I think I know where I can turn to. It will have to be seen if it is fulfilled in the future.
So this seems like the usual me eh? An outpour of 1 years worth of thoughts. This is probably barely a percentage of what’s in my head but I reckon it is a good start. I have that feel.. that unmistakable feel, that one side of me will outshine the other, and will unleash a certain capability or side of me that hasn’t been allowed to unravel yet. Which side will it be?
There is a song. Probably an old one by now that rings in my head. Surely, I can share this. Life’s battle can be trying, and tiring. A good advise would be to think less, do more. Simple enough, Mr Lousyluver?
March 17th, 2011 5:38 pm in My Shout Outs
Cancer has taken another of my grandparent away from all of us. My grandfathers both died of lung cancer and I wasn’t old enough to remember them at all.
She turned Christian a few months ago and while it doesn’t seem like a long time, I could tell she let the Lord in with an open heart. I remember her asking for prayers even though she probably didn’t understand a single word as she speaks Cantonese primarily. Yet she asks for one before the night is over, like a child asking for a milk bottle just before bed. She had problems walking for the past 10 years and it is my guess that cancer had found their way into her bones from their primary site. By the time it was discovered (and only because she had a fall and fractured her hip and hence it was diagnosed then) it was in terminal stage and it had already spread. While there was little the doctors could do, we focussed on making her last days as comfortable as possible without the need for further investigative procedures to chart the progress. All we wanted was for her to get past CNY. As a matter of fact, we did not tell her of her real condition even though she asked why she seems to be recovering so slowly as it was just a fall. It was in her dying moments that the truth was told to her in the hope that she will now be able to let go. Yes my mom rushed over and was with her when she passed on in her home.
I was present for much of the wake. Of the 2 gramdmothers that I have, she isn’t the one that I am closer to. Yet it doesn’t make a difference cause I did whatever I could not just for her but for the entire family. Over the period of time I was also reminded how all my uncles and aunts (including my mom) had a streak of stubborness. Stubborness that led to a few incidents here and there during the wake. My friends will never believe me when I say this but it is true, my own streak of stubborness (whether it is inherited or not) pales in comparison to a lot of them. The eldest is my uncle Jason who’s 66. Honestly, I do not believe anyone could tell. The youngest is uncle Maurice and all in all my grandmother must have had 8 or so children, of which one of them has since passed away some 9 years ago. Aunt Helen was a nurse all her life and lived simply and healthily. She had stomach cancer and was in remission but put off routine checkups due to SARs where T TSH closed their doors to non critical consultations at its specialist clinics. She went only because she got very sick for some reason and it was found that the cancer had returned, with a vengence. She died in hospital some 2 weeks after admission. Yet it is from her that I was put through university. It is something that I will always be very grateful for.
I’d like to share a song that I really like, sung by a singer that I adore, yet I don’t hear it often for each time I do it implies that there has been a passing on. Amazing Grace – written by John Newton and speaks of redemption and that despite all the sins one has committed in the past, there is forgiveness. Like lost sheep, wandering around blind,it is by grace that will lead us home.
I like it, and I am certain my grandmother will too. She’s a fiesty lady, all 91 years of her. She’s free from pain now and I’m comforted by that. For her, I will mourn.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me….
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.
T’was Grace that taught…
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear…
the hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares…
we have already come.
T’was Grace that brought us safe thus far…
and Grace will lead us home.
When we’ve been here ten thousand years…
bright shining as the sun.
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise…
then when we’ve first begun.
August 23rd, 2010 8:14 pm in My Shout Outs
As promised, here are the shots taken of the place. I’ve allowed the ID to get professional shots done for their publicity. Aint I nice? :P
August 3rd, 2010 10:46 pm in My Shout Outs
Some of you may know while the others won’t but in Dec last year I packed myself into a hotel room somewhere for 3 nights while I was preparing for a major exam. Yes thankfully I got through that although I haven’t applied for certification yet. Year end maybe.
I have been listening to the cd again quite a fair bit these nights. In particular, one track stands out as my favorite. Now, the hotel has this CD in every room and it is there for obvious raunchy reasons I reckon. Very good love making music if you ask me! That’s not what kept me occupied for 4 days though. I studied, very hard, really I did! Now I did find myself putting this track on repeat then and today I am back to it again.I love the beats, the rhythm (look, no vowels!) the vocals, the tune, the whole thing. It is a personal favorite, so much so when I checked out I asked if I could buy a copy of their in-house compilation and true enough I could. So I got it.
It takes me back to those days. A lot of memories indeed. It is just not the studying but the entire experience. It was also during that period that I got to meet someone 😛
Sensual stuff. If you’d like to take a listen to it, just click on the play button on the right of the page, and take an intimate trip down memory lane with me.
July 11th, 2010 11:43 pm in My Shout Outs
After a 2 month hiatus, I am proud to say that I have settled down pretty much where I’ve been working on for the past half a year. I am mostly pleased with how it looks like now and I’ve done a couple rounds of house invites with friends and family.
Since the day the workers moved in and revamped the entire apartment to what it is today, there’s always been something lacking. I couldn’t figure what it is and I’ve always thought maybe when I have moved in, and sunk into the new apartment it will all complete. I have been mulling over what it is and after 3 weeks of pondering and being in this dream-come-true apartment, I have come to realise what the missing part is. I have also realised, that this missing part will never be filled. Not in this apartment anyways. It is nothing physical, or imaginary. It is something however that no one can change, or fill the gap. Not me, not anyone. I have also come to realise a little more about myself. That is, I’m someone who’s strongly for the notion that only those who have sowed the seeds, qualify to enjoy the fruits. A team spirit is fostered and nurtured when seeds are sowed together. Regardless of success or failure, it was a team effort and the result isn’t as important as the spirit that moved as one. Obviously, I am more emotional and sensitive that many can imagine, yet it is something that virtually no one has been able to grasp. Not that I needed anyone to anyway.
The journeys I have walked this year have brought me to many places in life. As I sit by and watch the world go on I’ve always pondered the what-ifs. What if I take a photo of someone who’s conscious of his or her eyebags and dark circles and make a joke out of it? Maybe I’ll do it on someone who’s conscious over his or her teeth. Maybe it is just me and my self-consciousness. Perhaps I should capture people’s insecurities, and make fun of it at the same time and see, if it is just me and if it is really that funny and amusing after all?
I was looking through my digicam and really, it has been eons since I last used it. I was also tagged by colleagues in the past on my facebook and it reminded me how much has changed in just 5-6 short years. To be fair, the same number of years can make someone literally unrecognizable. The same 5 years also took people away from us permanently. A stark reminder that mankind is of no match to time. The only way out, is to be friends with time.
Here are a few pictures that I have taken today. While I aint no perfect host, I hope everyone enjoyed their stay.