Life For Rent

I got reminded of something I took offense to a while back. Was chatting with someone and yeh I got reminded of it.

Supposedly a good friend, but always has something to say bout something. I suppose it is out of good will though. I try to find excuses for the person. And then he goes like, “You know it is a pity you are like that, if not a lot of girls will fall for you” or something like that, implying it is a shame I aint straight.

It is a shame? Is sexuality ever been a shame? I took major offense to it, but never said a word. Reminds me of what a project mate at school once said. Completely ignorant. If he was someone I didn’t know I would have yelled at him. But he is a project mate, young, and I decided not to be the ‘preacher’. And he was in my car then as well! He doesn’t mean enough to me to have me ‘correct him’.

I don’t know what’s with these people. The former one, a very obvious ‘one of a kind’ to me and a lot of people but chose to remain in denial, and yet pass comments like that without thinking. Commenting on what one wears and how the hair should be done and all. Suddenly when I think of it all it gets mighty annoying.

The second one, juz a kid. Ok maybe not. 6 years younger than me. Made remarks about homosexuals that if he was directing at race instead he would have been arrested and put away for a LONG long time I swear. It is that bad.

Been chatting a lot bout the thing bout Marcus with someone. The someone brought up very interesting comments.

Anyway enough bitching. Anyone has good remixes of Dancing Queen and YMCA? Apart for the thunderpuss techno remix for the former and funky mix for the latter.

Thanks!!

Thanks Jonathan for sampling my file. Your favourite’s Don’t Cha. Point taken in extending lala a little longer.

Thanks Mag. You hate Spice girls haha. You want Don’t start moving. Good track, if the mix is right. Point taken for dancing queen. Unfortunately no other remixes I know. The other one is very euro and techno.

Thanks Paulie who says she loves dragostea. I personally find it too euro and techno. Will have to take it off the list till I find a more suitable remix I reckon.

Alvin also likes noma numa yei. Same comments as above. No I don’t intend to use Out of Touch this time round. May do so next time round.

Raymond doesn’t know the song title that he likes but it is actually Madonna’s Sorry. It is the PSB remix and I note your comments on the duller parts of the song.

Dan the man hates YMCA, just like me. I know haha it is painful to put it in but the audience seems to like it. He likes the Gloria Estefan remix. Good song I agree.

David asks who did the mix for what a feeling. It is actually the same as the one who did California dreamin, and I put them back to back to kick things off. It’s done by Global Deejays.

Thank you all for your comments! I intend to put in Bloodhound gang’s The Bad Touch as well. I did not include fillers for intro and outro cause it is a sample. The full fletch one would be bout 3-4 hours and will include fillers. By the way, the ‘whistling’ song some of you asked about is titled the killer song. It is not very far off from the radio edit, and it is done by Carolina Marquez, if I got the name right. It is a rather common track among top40 and house play lists. There is an artiste that Ceddy highlighted to be by Dark Beats. Very house. Have yet to fully sample it. Might add it in eventually too.

I love ya all!

Music done for marcus! Will pass to him one of these days.

He promised me a very special bday present I want this year. But he won’t be around during my bday

Either I claim early or wait till Xmas? hah hah

Did I mention I always seem to see Bernard, Lenny’s hubby. I last saw him at Spinny’s at Heeren. He was with a group of gals and all and as I was talking to Jeff and didi bout relationships, i declared “See! Even that married dude doesn’t have the hubby around him all the time!”

Final Destination 3 and Army Daze, up next! Work is shiong. Skool is also shiong. Clubbing has to equalise all that

Ditchdog says, spice up your life! *jumps and dances to the music*

Hey folks!

Yes yes I got some photos from the airport that are yet to be up. Will do them soon!

Great clubbing night on Sat. Met up with some fellas from the sgboy portal and gawd most of them got soooo gone. Next time must hire baby sitters for them. Mr Alvin fallapart was there with his make out date. Never got to see the fella but after the traditional muack muack he went onto stage and dance. He looked like a freshie next to the rest who were doing a ’synchro’ dance to Tamia’s Stranger in my house haha. Suddenly he feels so edible. Must be the chivas in me, cuz someone pulled me over and I thought I knew him so I gave him the lips too but turned out he wanted to know me nia. Cheyz. Quite malu (embarrassed).

Oh yeh, thanks Alvin Kino for the favours! Hope I can fly without wings sometime. Ok never mind what I meant by that haha..

Lim Lee! You fly my aeroplane! I WILL REMEMBER. grrrrr…

Watched brokeback mountain with didi and Jeff. A show about denial and double lives. It is always the case isn’t it. Showing homosexuality in its very unglam (though true) facet of life format. It somehow always either ends in tragedy, messed ups or heartbreak.

No wonder SG decided to let it go out maybe. There are so many gay themed movies, and you can count with one hand how many actually goes up on our screens. There is one upcoming on transsexuals in March, only at Cathay.

Marcus asked me to try out some spins at his sister’s wedding. I have done a sample for him already last nite. I stayed up till almost 5 for it! *L* I’m not very used to mixing retro at all though I have a few here and there and I had to sample them before getting down and dirty. Ahh the power of Marcus. If it were someone else I would prolly have said, go find some jock in some club.

Ceddy on the other hand, has always been such a sweetie. Shant bother him much during the exam period.

It is a monday! Why does monday come after sunday and before tuesday! ARRRGH

Deon, one of my very young friends was analyzing why AJ relationships don’t seem to last long.

Here’s how he began :

[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
okie. the problem lies in the fact that EVERYONE has a love tank, and this love tank can be filled in many ways depending on what appeals to the person.
[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
e,g like.. quality time spent with the person
[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
meaningful gifts
[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
words of affirmation
[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
acts of service for the person.
[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
yea. and these all fill up the love tank of ervyone. depending on wad appeals to them. for me is acts of service, and words of affirmation/encourgement.
[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
so you gotta identify yours and your partners.
Mighty Mark – da ditchdog woofs : it’s all about us ! says:
so why ajs cant have a long relationshpip
[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
its because they FAIL to fill the love tank of each other.
[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
they ONLY TAKE, and drain from the other party
[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
eventually both of them will end up with an empty love tank, which eventually leaves both of them bored of each other.
Mighty Mark – da ditchdog woofs : it’s all about us ! says:
and why is this rampant in the aj community then
[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
because it is a fallen world. aj guys only seems to believe that there is only one source of love, which is their partners.
[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
but they forget that their families, freiends
[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
can also fulfill their love tank.
[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
the problem is the misunderstanding and belief in the IDEA OF ONE AND ONLY. this idea that love is ONLY real or valid when it is a partnership relationship is very, very limited and downright damaging, then we become tunnel-visioned and grossly restricted in our belief that there is only one person or one love available to us.
[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
not only do we expect all of our love to come from only one person, but we also expect that they must love us exclusively and forever. i am sure you thought this way too before right?

Hmm.. not quite Deon. Never had it that way. But in a way I do agree, the thing bout expections and all. I wanna love someone, and be loved in return. It sounds so cliche, and simple to achieve. But look closer and one realises, it is not easy at all. Forever is not the word for one. But rather something along the lines of “for as long asI can”. Friends and family are equally important, but I do wanna make my partner feel special. Different, from the rest. I would want that too. If you love someone, would you do something to hurt them? I reckon not. You wanna give them what they deserve. And for the many people out there including me, we wanna feel special too.

[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
i still believe that the problem lies in unrealistic expectations. we insist on an impossible promise and self-destruct when the promise is broken. for example, when friends move on we accept it. why? because we did not have unrealistic expectations to begin with.

He makes sense here. We expect different things and he might be right. We expect too much and unrealistically from our partners. But they are different from the rest, are they not? Not a fair comparison, but in a gist he has it right.

Mighty Mark – da ditchdog woofs : it’s all about us ! says:
it does have an impact on expectations and all. in da past i had so many of them and i didnt know how to handle them. today i have a lil lesser. well maybe not lesser but just different, and i know how to handle them
[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
thats cool. glad that you broke out from the mentality that love comes only from one person, and in exchange for your love, he must love you exclusively. many ppl are still in this. HAHA.

Is this the real problem? What do you all think? I don’t see much difference between the heterosexuals and homos. The homos however, need to ‘come out’ and there is an exploration period for them before they can settle down. I wont’ say they aren’t suited for relationships, but rather, if they are able to handle changes within themselves. And because they are in a relationship, how the other reacts also matters.

What does he want in a relationship? What does he expect?

[ 'deon# ] – Biyakado? -[ Royal Flirt ]- newurbanmale t-shirts` my motivation` you will never` see me fall apart` says:
my expectations will be that my partner will be able to accept in what i believe. i dont need him to believe in wad i believe in, just accept with an open mind. both of us will have to understand love can be derived from everyone around us. not only just limited in our relationship. that what, our love tank will not be drained by each other. and i will do my best to fill his.

And that is like being able to accept him, though not necessarily agree with him. That’s nice. Love is a gift and a curse. Getting over someone isn’t really bout getting over, but rather letting things go and being able to accept something or someone new, and not feel so victimised and hence wallow into self pity of sorts. Deon feels love will change. I’m not quite sure. I agree it doesn’t stay constant, but when one loves someone, can you stop loving someday? Some argue, if you can begin to love, you also have the ability to stop. In theory yes. I am kinda half hearted with this issue. Deon feels change is an unavoidable fact of life, and it is because of this that an impossible promise arises. eg “I will love you forever” and ultimately it consumes both so much, the thing pyramid collapses.

But one thing I wanna reinforce, his argument on why is it so hard with lovers and all. And it is due to unrealistic expectations. How much do we expect out of friends and all? Again I am not too sure. It seems to me, it is just different. I Would be upset, regardless of friends family or partners whom I’ve lost. But I may react differently cause they are all of different entities. Same, yet different.

In short, I over-rule the argument that aj relationships don’t last because of the above. I would say give the person some time to get used to his sexuality. Someday, like most other human beings, he or she will be ready to settle down. Before that stage, things will likely be unstable. As a person transits from school, NS, work, changes are plentiful. Characters change, opinions differ as time goes along. Change management is important. For someone who is say 30,who has undergone most major changes, he is likely to be more settled down already. But of course the person behind it all makes all the difference. I disagree AJ relationships do not last. Movies and all protray such a bad image. AJs think of sex all the time and all. Tell me, who doesn’t? It is just that it is not described as much within the heterosexual world. Discussions are a lot more open in this arena and it may give the impression all we think of is sex. It is not a fair comparison. I feel there is little difference in terms of sexuality.

Deon’s idea seems to be somewhat that romance is an integrated part of it all. To fully immerse oneself in it, one has to be open to love that is all around. That love is not exclusive, only from partners.

What are your views? I think we can agree expectations have a lot to do with it. How do you manage it? As I said I began with a whole list of them. As I go along, the list gets refined, and I can handle the whole thing better than the last through experience.

Can love change? This is a debatable topic. Would love to hear from all.

Anyhows, I will keep it short for now and pen off. Deon is just past Sec 4 by the way so give him some credit. He offered to buy me a NUM shirt for my birthday and it is such a long way to go. Sweet guy isn’t he? There are loads of people who don’t act their age. I see this in ynot quite a bit. Kenneth asked why I don’t mix around with people my age. I said I don’t indeed, mostly older or younger. The people around me age don’t even behave how a 20 year old should. Yes it is a sacarstic remark. But yes Kenneth, i would love to know more people like you and those who are older indeed. Again it is not better but rather different. I love all my friends, regardless of age.But I don’t have a kor kor indeed. Who wants to adopt me? *L* I think I scare the older guys too much, they won’t be able to handle a didi like me.

End of the day, the question why ajs seem to have short relationships is still open for discussion. I gave my stand, and that it is all about reaching the stage to settle down. Exactly like straight people. People in my arena are hardly 40s, or 50s who have settled down. Those who are of that age, and are looking for partners still, well that is a different story altogether, for a different day.

Here’s how the nightmare I had when I slept after returning from the airport went :

Me Rach and Jeff. It was night. Rach was gonna go back to aussie, don’t know why its night but it was early. So she checked in and we left the airport and headed to Tanjong Pagar. No intention to club or what, just walk around. The fine details have since been forgotten, but in a gist, Jeff saw someone he knew, or someone he fancied. I don’t know. He stopped and flirted with the fella. I think it was a female though, somehow. Hugging and kissing away. The place where it happened appeared to be the same stretch Happy is, but there is no such cafe there. Or maybe there is I don’t know. There were 3 tables outside along the paveway where people can sit and he went up to this girl I think.

Rach and I got mad. For one, we were wondering what the heck is he doing?! He shouldn’t be doing all that at all! And two, he was with her for so long and did he realise Rach has a flight to catch? We dragged him away eventually and confronted him. He said some nasty stuff and Rach somehow, had a beer bottle in her hand, an empty one, and smashed it over his head. She was so pissed, pissed till she couldn’t say anything and just let actions speak for itself. He bled and I said, give me back my car keys! Cuz he kept it for me. The took out 3 bunches of keys from his pocket and threw it on the floor. I took one of it, which is my car key and stormed off with Rach.

And..

My phone alarm rang cuz it was 1pm and almost time to go to work.. *L*

But I’m glad I woke up. Sheeesh..what a dream..

I forgot to mention, the best Vday present I got this and the past years, is one given by Rach.It is a little self made collection of a series of photos that we have taken in the past 3 months. It charts our days together. The memories captured. And more importantly, the love between us complete. Like the little collection she gave me. It has an opening and an end. No I do not see it as an end as in, finished. I see it as, complete. Nothing left unsaid, nothing left undone. If I die tomorrow and if I really have (don’t worry sis I won’t as far as I can help it), I have no regrets, other than leaving my poor mei mei. I am sure she has a guardian angel with her now. Tomorrow is the death anniversary of someone who was very close to her, and still is in her heart. No one knows how close, and how much she misses him other than herself.

Rach is a lot like me. Or maybe, what I would like myself to be. She shows no favourtism among people who mean a lot to her. She is impartial, and non judgemental. She may disagree with certain stuff but it doesn’t mean she loves the person any less. I will talk bout something along this line in the next posting.

One of the best gifts to mankind is the ability to love. It can however be also a curse. Rach’s affectionate way of showing it is easily seen and felt cause it comes in the form of actions. Not text messages, not just calls, but she shows it in its 100% pure and sincere form.

She got very hurt recently by someone. Someone whom she actually felt she could like and one who can like her back too. But no. Maybe my next post, will answer some questions about it. She agreed with me, that someone, that special someone in my heart that my friends know about is just about the right mix. And that may explain why I love him to bits too. She could probably love him to bits too. Not too mellow, and not too wild. If someone were to ask “What is your type of guy?” I think that is a good brief answer. But that guy is neither for her, nor myself to take. It may be a good thing indeed.

What is not too mellow and not too wild? The kinda person who knows how to have fun and knows how to keep the excitment level up, but is also someone whom you can go home to everyday. Not just the fun happy go lucky kinda guy that are more suited as activity mates.

No one fully understands the pain in her heart. I think, even she doesn’t understand it fully nor have control over it. It is the same with me, and perhaps a lot of people out there too. There’s so much attachment in it, and even if it is for a while, I would want to drop it for a while, take a breather and continue. But without this attachment, Mark would not be Mark. Mark would be an empty shell, void of everything, like a dead carcass. Physically present, but the lights are out inside. That, is not what I want also. But the point is, we cannot choose. The next best thing? Embrace what we have.

I love you heaps Rach. I don’t reckon I would give you up for anything in the world. I made you a promise once and I will try my best to keep it no matter what. Ok I made 2 big promises. And as you can see, there is nothing wrong with giving someone a pair of shoes. I love it, but I am quite upset with it being stepped all over by people in clubs. But when the day comes to retire it, maybe it will make its way to my collection of things I keep.

Our lives run very parallel. Maybe the only difference is in terms of our music preference. I can’t think of anything else, which scares me cuz I don’t want you to share the same suckiness I have.

Watching you leave was one of the hardest think I had to deal with in quite a while. But I know you will be back, and I will be waiting for it..

My Immortal.. I remember when I first heard this song, before it got released. And I heard it in the car belonging to someone, doing something. hah hah.

The lyrics doesn’t depict how I feel but I just like the song and its words.

I may put up Stacie Orico next week instead, a song I wanna share with Rach. Find out what that is, next.

Meantime, here’s Evanescence. Have a good weekend people!

My Immortal – Evanescence
————————————–

I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
‘Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I’m bound by the life you’ve left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along

Ceddy – soon to be ADULT!! // T-minus 35 days!! RaWwWRrRrR~~~ says:
was thinking on the 18th i’ll haf a small dinner thing wif juz a few close frens
Ceddy – soon to be ADULT!! // T-minus 35 days!! RaWwWRrRrR~~~ says:
at my dad’s jap rest =p
Ceddy – soon to be ADULT!! // T-minus 35 days!! RaWwWRrRrR~~~ says:
maybe u’ll be close enuff by tat time i’ll invite u along?
Ceddy – soon to be ADULT!! // T-minus 35 days!! RaWwWRrRrR~~~ says:
*winkz*
Ceddy – soon to be ADULT!! // T-minus 35 days!! RaWwWRrRrR~~~ says:
Mighty Mark – da ditchdog says : u make me wanna lay lay says:
is there a sign that says no pets allowed there?
Ceddy – soon to be ADULT!! // T-minus 35 days!! RaWwWRrRrR~~~ says:
as my pet they will close one eye
Ceddy – soon to be ADULT!! // T-minus 35 days!! RaWwWRrRrR~~~ says:
cause if ur my pet i’ll [sayang icon] u alot
Ceddy – soon to be ADULT!! // T-minus 35 days!! RaWwWRrRrR~~~ says:
hahaha
Mighty Mark – da ditchdog says : u make me wanna lay lay says:
hahah….awwww so sweet.. my past bfs never even says those things haha
Ceddy – soon to be ADULT!! // T-minus 35 days!! RaWwWRrRrR~~~ says:
i’m very sweet one mah.. hehe
Ceddy – soon to be ADULT!! // T-minus 35 days!! RaWwWRrRrR~~~ says:
if i bring u in.. i’ll tuck u inside my doggy bag n put u under my arms

–

a conversation i was just having with ceddy. so sweet right he. Dunno why no one appreciates him the way he ought to be in the past. Everyone’s blinded by the hunks and babes but not the treasure beneath..

Just realised MIW (NS portal) featured a write up which I did a long time ago. In fact I can’t even remember when it was done!

If you are bored, this is the link : http://www.miw.com.sg/publish/MIWPORTAL/public/lifestyle/soldier/My_Army_Story__Mark_Lee.html