Life For Rent

I’m gonna post something serious for once.

I am seriously considerin dumping my ditchdog identity once and for all. It may be a way out of what has happened inside of me. To begin anew. Everytime someone woofs at me I get reminded of how someone used to woof at me and all. It’s driving me nuts. Escape? I don’t know. Rebirth and renew perhaps.

I am juz gonna say this once here. I haven’t posted anything bout the origins of ditchdog at all. So let this be written for the record and when the thread dies, this will go along with it too.

ditchdog was born sometime in 1997. It was actually suggested by a friend. She associated me with a character that of a dog. I won’t say what attributes cuz it aint matter here. ditchdog wasn’t ditched. Nor was he such a bitch back then. Matter of fact it was a period of ‘coming out in progress’ then. She saw a pooch, in a ditch (hole). Not a very deep one, but one that is deep enough that the pooch couldn’t leap out of. He tried, hard. Came close, but never made it. Till one day he finally did. It took him a long time to do so. And when he finally did, he swore he will never return to that ditch, or any ditch for that matter, again.

For 9 years it didn’t happen again. I never allowed myself in. But late last year, I fell into one. Perhaps I was complacent. Or perhaps I was thrown in by someone. It doesn’t matter how I got back in but I did. I detest it. I don’t wanna be back in. But I got in. This time round. Even if someone comes by and tries to pull the ditchdog out, he snaps barks and growls at the person. He is resentful, and gave up on the entire human population because of one of them possibly. He wants to be out, yet he doesn’t want to be. At least within the ditch, no one could take him and throw him into another ditch. That is probably why he snaps at everyone who comes near. Who knows if the person ‘act kind’ take him out and throws the ditchdog into a ditch far wider and deeper?

And so he has been moving around in the ditch for a while now. Tired. Hungry. Thirsty. But still surviving. Takes a hell lot to kill a 5′10” 165 pound ditchdog. Not a painful bad breakup, nor a thick glass ashray smashed at the back of his head could take him down. Perhaps it has a lot to do with a physical and emotional armour that he wears. If anyone of you knows Ian, my dance diva, I’m probably just like him physically, but with a 10kg armour around me.

The point in all these is, after so many years, is it time to let ditchdog die a natural death. The person, the dog, the identity. And to be reborn. The transition has already begun since I agreed to step into a club. People who knows me will know how much I disliked clubbing, and more so, clubbing in an AJ club. If you ever have the chance to know a marcus, who posted a couple posts in the outing thread, he’ll tell you. I asked him once in Happy, if he ever thought I’ll turn out this way, he said no, never. He was quite visibly shocked how wild I could get.

I don’t deny transitions, I embrace them. Ian and my mei mei said the same thing. Doesn’t matter what I do, they just want me to be happy. I thought it was very sweet of them indeed. I woke up this morning, and pondered. And here I am, writing all these.

I sorta have an idea of what I intend to do. I don’t ask for replies on ‘what you were do if you were me and I were you and if you being me and I am you’, but rather, what do you gather from all that I have vomitted out?

Gosh I probably OD (overdosed).. and hence the vomit. Sorry fellas. I promise to clean it up sometime soon and as always, whatever happens in vegas, stays in vegas kay?

Gosh I was so tired last night I fell asleep on my laptop on my bed while chatting with people on MSN. So embarrassing..

But I feel very refreshed now. It is gonna be a good day, and night!

I had a lil dream last night and I sorta remembered it as I was listening to a remix of PCD’s Stickwithu. I was a resident DJ for a club. I can’t tell which one but it looks like happy when I tried to recall the end of the dream. Resident being resident, I had to take care of guest DJs who spins at the club. And the guest for last night was… Paul Van Dyk!

Van Dyk is like world #2 DJ who’s genre is trance. How queer cause Happy does house, and house is my genre too. What’s Van Dyk doing there? He belongs to Zouk.

Anyway after all the yada yada is over and he was signing autographs at the bar, I tried to talk a little more with him cause we didn’t have much time earlier and it was all work-talk. Chris (DJ Kurt) was also there and I asked him, hey wanna take a picture with paul and he went no. Funny, cause I bet he would want to. I then said okay, you take a picture of me and him okay? And he said no too. Why? Cuz he never bring film. How smart. Bring camera never bring film.

But it was nice over all. But why didn’t I dream of Ralphi Rosario instead? I opened for Van Dyk with house beats and he took over with trance. My gosh what a transition. But world #2 DJ can of course transit anything to anything.

It’s vodka and whiskey tonight! Have a fun weekend people!

I’m quite upset. My dance diva upset me. No he didn’t do anything to upset me, but I’m upset because he is upset. Does that make sense?

I’m upset. Very upset. Unexplainable.

Once I asked, why doesn’t the opposition do anything to speak up for the homosexual community? Are they afraid that they will be out of the race in an instant? I thought bout it for a while. It appears in politics, the focus is not on a singular issue. What’s more, knowing how things go here, if someone says anything bout it, the big boys will come down and come down hard really quickly. May not be such a good idea at all. It will probably be counter productive. Are we just gonna hang around and whine all day then? Perhaps so. All I ask for is to be left alone, and I shall not retaliate in any way.

Feelin’ Good party at MoS was cancelled. Or so it was said to be by fridae.com. A later report by the police denied they intended to shut down the event. They received ‘information from the public’ about the event and called to enquire more details to plan for possible law and order situations that may arise. Event organisers also said that fridae.com’s comments were not entirely true. You know what, enough of this bullshit. I learnt of something yesterday and I wanna share it with everyone.

If anyone remembers, a LONG time ago, some ‘lady’ wrote into ST Forums and demanded that the Nation party be shut down. If anyone remembers, Nation parties used to be held in Sentosa, and at 50 bucks a person it is almost as grand as ZoukOut. But it got banned and now Nation parties are held in other countries overseas. It was later learnt that this ‘lady’ article was actually written by a guy. Let’s call him A. A runs a rival site and forum to fridae.com. In fact as I would put it, fridae.com is everything A’s site isn’t. fridae.com held international events, and runs on a different class of its own. But some people got jealous, wrote in and demanded Nation be shut down. What really happened? He singlehandedly shut the entire event and brought the entire community down, when his real target is fridae.com. Now this is VERY wrong, to do something like that for one’s personal gain. I have utter disappointment and disguist for this sort of person. He may think he has scored a victory. All I can say is, he has won the battle but he won’t win the war. Was he involved in the MoS event too? I wouldn’t be surprised. But if I aint wrong, the drama has yet to unfold. Despictable. Childish. Cunning. Closetted.

It is my wish, to see him destroyed one day. What goes around comes around. He does not have the capacity to go against the big boys. Though he has won so far using cheap tricks, someday somehow it will run out.

I haven’t been to Nation. Nor was I intending to hit Feelin’ Good party. But if anyone knows me well enough, he or she will know I simply cannot tolerate a homosexual going against his own community. Bashing another is bad enough. But this?? This is like the mother of all sins. Unbelievable.

As for my home country. A country I call home. Is there democracy? How democratic can it be with someone ruling with an iron fist up above. Ever since Mr Goh CT stepped down as PM, a lot of changes have been done. And so they have kept us under control and all. It is like they give us an inch, but they take back a yard in return. What sort of loyalty do you expect me to give to the country? I said it again and again. I’d say, the nation is ready to accept homosexuality. But not the government, and they are doing such a great job at influencing everyone, time and time again. What sort of homosexual themed movies are being screened here? The type where its apparent a homosexual’s life is a sad and depressing one and ultimately ends in a disaster. The spotlight being cast upon them when HIV stats are being read out.

Okay, so let’s say I ‘agree’ it is a disease. Is it contagious? If not, is it not the right of the patient to decide if he wants ‘treatment’? For the few who go around messing things up, I say charge and prosecute them, as we would with anyone. But for the others who just want a simple life and settle down as much as anyone else, they don’t really expect much. I don’t even call for acceptance. But is it too much to ask that I walk on the same ground as everyone else? I have equal right as a citizen to do so, don’t I? Sexuality is a private matter to me. It’s a private matter. At work, at play and at a club sees different sides of me. I don’t see why I need to broadcast my sexuality as much as I don’t see a need to tell everyone how many times I have had sex over the past week, nor the need to announce the PIN of my bank account.

What upsets me most, is while some are trying their best to build their lives around, there are one or two who insist on doing all it takes to get what they want. Like the person mentioned above. Now that is a total piece of trash who isn’t worth competing oxygen with. Scumbag. Trash. Whatever you wanna address the person as. Fact remains, the person is extremely selfish. But of course we will not dare admit what he did.

You know what. I am gonna stop here. Talking bout him pollutes my site for more than he is worth already.

How do you answer the infamous question, why did the chicken cross the road?

I aint too sure, but here’s what some would have said perhaps :

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

SAEED AL SAHAF – Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. In fact,
we do not even have a chicken.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there may be potential for this chicken’s
capability, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other
side of the road.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.

GEORGE W BUSH
We don’t care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the
chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or
against us. There is no middle ground.

TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.

JOHN HOWARD
I agree with George and Tony.

KIM BEAZLEY
There is no challenge to the chicken at this stage, but if I were crossing
the road ….

SIMON CREAN
@#@#!!@ Chicken. No one crosses the @#@#!!@ road without my @#@#!!@ say so.
It’s time for the chicken to put up or shut up.

PETER HOLLINGWORTH (Governor-General)
I am not aware of any impropriety in the chicken crossing the road. In fact
I am led to believe that it was the other way around and the chicken asked
for it

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us
the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

OPRAH
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it felt
accomplishing its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens, crossing all the roads. You may say I’m a
dreamer – but its not the only hen.

MICHAEL JACKSON
There’s nothing more wonderful than sharing your bed with a chicken.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

ARSENE WENGER
What chicken? I did not see it.

ALEX FERGUSON
The chicken was not drawn to the other side fairly, and Beckham is not
bigger than this club.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
eChicken2003 version 1.0 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file
your important documents, and balance your cheque book – and internet
explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not have sexual relations with that chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

HOMER SIMPSON
Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n

It’s hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life
Passes things, get more comfortable
Everything is going right

And after all the obstacles
It’s good to see you now with someone else
And it’s such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we’ve been through
I know we’re cool

–

Holla people! It has been a loooong looong time yes I know. Been so caught up (sings “i’m soooo.. caught up!) with things. Work, school, trying to find sometime to let loose and all. It wasn’t easy at all..

I’ve been listening to the Ralphi remix of Cool quite a bit. I kinda like it a lot, but here’s the radio edit of the song. When I saw the lyrics I went hmmm… I thought bout it for a while and I decided neh it doesn’t describe anything around me or my frens. Ah well. I just like the song!

But had loads at fun over the weekends. Will share the pics below.

Fridae.com, the gay website organised a party at MoS which was to be held today. It features house DJ Kate Monroe from Australia. At the very last minute the authorities ordered a shut down of the entire event, citing that it ‘promote gay activities”. I think it’s quite silly but perhaps they are very careful not to allow a ‘mini’ Nation party from happening here, where foreigners come in to attend it.

And so the event was closed and Kate was to spin at Happy instead from 9-12. Happy coincidentally ,got raided last night. Rumour has it that the CNB were tipped off that someone is doing drugs in there. Happy was having its sweat party with DJ Victor Cheng from Taiwan at the decks. This sweat party had a lot of foreigners in there. Almost half, if not all were visitors it seems. Perhaps they flew in for Kate, and went to Happy for a warm up. But it did get raided and all. I just wonder, since when anyone publicised the event as a pride event. Just cause event organiser was fridae.com, does that imply it has to be a PRIDE event? Actually it does hah hah but it was never publicised that way. I don’t know. Maybe some unhappy MoS fan tipped off the authorities or something.

Anyway I was not intending to go, neither was I at Happy. I was somewhere else, having a swell time getting quite drunk in the process too..

Okay here are some peekchers!

Karen and me, with a lil bling bling around my neck. It has this LED thingie which you can enter characters in and it scrolls. Ian my darling, keyed in woof for me. So sweet

And this is Ian! My dance diva. He is REALLY a sweetheart. if there’s someone who really deserves to be happy, it’s him. He danced to Red Blooded Woman and Play your part. You know, if I go through with my bday thingie, I want him to open the show on that day again and my mei mei to dance with him to red blooded woman..

And this is Cedric and I. A lil blur, don’t know why. It’s his birthday coming up!

(L-R) DJs Ronnie and Jansen, with me and Malcom! Aint Malcom cute? heh heh… ah yes the lighting played tricks on our appearances kay. No one did make up or don any lip stick!

OMG. I am sooo caught up! Work and school and all. Especially school. It is eating me alive. Like a cancer that begins as a raging cell. Multiplying and consuming its host from within.

I need to chill out, when all these are done before my next exams. Suggestions people?

I’ve been chatting with a friend bout mine and somehow the topic went onto dogs. I was telling him that I have never bought a dog and I don’t intend to cause I don’t like to put a price on an animal. I have had 2 great dogs, both of which you can find pictures of online here somewhere. Whiskey came around when I was in kindergarden. She was the sole survivor of a snake attack. All her siblings got eaten alive.

Diesel was adopted from the SPCA. They called me and told me they had a big dog in and so I went down to take a look. “She’s gentle and friendly” I was told, but I really wanted to go into her cage to take a look. She was having a barking match with the german shepard next door, but she was friendly indeed. I had to see if we had chemistry. I may like her but does she like me? If not, how to have a proper owner and pet relationship? You can train a dog to do all kinds of tricks but you can’t train it to like you.

She was so skinny then, and I took her home after telling the SPCA guys that they won’t see her back there again. She has been there for 3 times already.

She passed away suddenly last Jul pretty near to my birthday while I was in the middle of a physical challenge program lasting the entire month. I did get to see her one final time with my mom and bid our goodbyes before she was pushed in for a private cremation. It was so sad. Seeing her, with just her shell left. It used to be the shell and everything in it, but all that is left is a shell. A shell I used to pet and stroke.

I remember she used to lie on her tummy and chin and breathe in and out deeply, like a big sigh. And I asked her, diesel why what’s wrong. And she gives me the look of “Having PMS. Don’t wanna be bothered”.

Dogs who don’t wanna be bothered will not respond when they are stroked. Usually they have some form of response, like they lift up their head or something. But not when they wanna be left alone.

And a thought popped to my head. Can one tell a good lover from the rest by the way he or she takes care of the pet?

I have my own opinions, bout people who put their pets before them, to those who have pets but go to them when they feel like it only, to those who abandon their pets.

What do you think?

Check the time dudes, I am up before sun rise! hah hah this is worth blogging about. Not.

I was really tired I guess and I sorta KO at like 10 last night. I was planning to wake up to continue with work, but I guess I just slept my way through..

When was my last posting? Hmm prolly over the weekend and all. Didn’t head to the clubs on Sat. Had a bday dinner with Ceddy and a movie there after. You know maybe I should have gone clubbing after dinner and all. I really think so. Ian my good buddy was doing such a fab show. But he is sweet enough to do it all over again over the weekend. He said he’ll make me high, without alcohol. And I said okay that is a huge challenge, if he fails I am gonna strip him bare to make up or it. And it is on!

But some smses he sent today made me rather sad. We were chatting bout him claiming his divadom and all. And that he has been there done it and has his fair share of it and is contented with it so far. There is one left to do and he wants to find that special day to drag. Maybe on my birthday. And once that is achieved he will make his exit from the scene slowly. Why oh why? I said. And leave me all behind? And he said well he may fly with (or does he mean to?) emirates and will be leaving everyone behind and that he finds it very hard to do it. So he is making the best of the days here before he ORDs etc etc. And he said I have a whole host of friends out there, I will never be alone.

It is not how many that remains and all. Each and every one of them is important. It is like the 5 senses. Losing just one of them makes one incomplete. I do not mean people who are blind or something have something lacking emotionally or something let’s not get in too deep, but they do lack the sense of sight. Period. I would want all 5. Who would be happy to give up one of them? I wouldn’t. And that is my point. I wouldn’t wanna let any of my friends go if I can help it. I am very possessive yes hahaha but it is true. It is darn true..

He is someone I got sad over a misunderstanding. People know who me would know I couldn’t care less bout people from the clubs. I am friendly enough to know people but I can also kick them out of my life just as easily. But Ian is more than just a clubbing partner. I totally understand where he comes from and he knows where I come from. Like the 2 fingers touching one another in ET. An uncanny affinity.

I also chatted with mr angelboi on msn and all before I left the office, and found that he is actually quite a nice dude indeed. It is unfortunate that most of the time I couldn’t be there physically for him when he needs. I couldn’t be there physically for Jeff too the poor dude is having such a bad time with his love life but his career is doing great. My gut said he could do something new that pays a tad better and so I took the risk and pushed him towards it. Good to hear he is settling in fine so far. Loads of work but he likes it. Guys sometimes it is not that I don’t wanna be there, sometimes I am really so caught up during the weekdays and all. On the other hand, he also hopes the guys around him will be able to depend on themselves. Sure, sometimes we all need a helping hand and a good hug. But I don’t believe in people running to others whenever there is a problem. There used to be someone who did just that and totally pissed my lil sis and myself off. He just went on and on and on bout the same thing and denies everything when he is told what he is actually doing. And when he doesn’t have a problem, you don’t hear a word from hm at all. He just disappears.. Some friend eh? Well I can’t be bothered.

The reason why I say depend on oneself is cause if one always relies on someone else, or something in particular, and for some reason fail to be able to attend to you at some point in time, you will be so dashed. Your whole world falls apart and you feel like no one in the world cares anymore. That is probably untrue, and the person can’t be there physically for a good reason but one is so used to having support from someone else, and when the person isn’t there to support, one just falls. Hard. The pillar of strength comes from within. Find that pillar. For no one can ever take that away from you. Cause its from the inside, and it is all you.

Relying on someone is like a drug. Dependency. Sure he can support you once or twice, but if you happen to depend on the wrong person, he or she can just be the one who can utterly destroy your soul once and for all. Sounds very dramatic. But it isn’t. Think bout it and check when was the last time someone yelled “everyone hates me. everyone leaves me” or something to that line.

Remember, everything that is within, cannot be taken away by anyone else.

Uniform theme night at the clubs. School uniform, to be precise.

Jack and me. He’s an AC boy all the way!

Aeron, me, and Stuart in his SA attire

Me and my galfren karen!