It’s been an interesting day. Still sick. Chatted with Isaac earlier and he said he has had a very eventful day. It is only at this point, that I realised I too, had quite an eventful day.
I’m coughing like mad. Headed to the gym nonetheless cuz my mom wanted to work out. So I sat around but I wasn’t really in the mood to move around much or talk. How good a mood can someone be when he is ill anyway?
One of the gym instructurs got fired on the spot. I heard how it came together from my instructor cum kaki. She got fired over a complaint that she was rude. I can go into details but I rather not and just take my word for it that it was totally unfair to her.Now the whole thing became very familiar cause we think she has had so many complaints, the management isn’t happy with her so they have been looking for a reason to fire her and this was it. It is a practice to give a warning letter first, and what’s more her last ‘offense’ doesn’t warrant a termination. It was probably their way of saying “You know what, I had enough of you. Time for you to go.” That’s it. Bang. She refused to sign the resignation letter and will be going to MOM to lodge a complaint.
If you are not happy with someone, why keep it to the end and just explode. Is it fair? Yeah all of you will say, life is never fair. Well screw life, and screw you. I don’t care bout what life has to do with being fair or not. We are all humans with brains. We have the ability to think and act. If you tell me life is unfair so deal with it, then you are as brainless as the stuff toy on my bed.
The only difference? I love my stuff toys cuz they are all given by good friends of mine.
You wanna keep things to the end, it is you who has the attitude problem. It has nothing to do with life. You didn’t like the person for starters, so you let it accumulate. Or it is your own way of doing things. The word is you you you. Not life, or unfair.
With all that said, we came home and I begun chatting with Jeff. I was quite in a foul mood and was really feeling ill so he bore the brunt of a lot of my nonsense. I gave him crap like I’m ready to die, let me die la. Although literally I mean it. I went into happiness and living and all. And I said so what if I lived till 60 and I aint happy. Why do I want such a long life for. I want quality not quantity. If I am happy, I’ll be happy to go anytime. And I brought on some scenarios and he got very confused over them. I suppose I did too. And then later on I began chatting with jacky and as time went by I realised why deep down if I had to die, I’ll go with no regrets. Jeff was upset cuz he said there’s so many people around who will be sad and will miss me and all and I made it sound like if I had to die I will just go ahead with it. It sounded like, nothing in this world can make me stay. Jacky thinks it just means I am able to take things easy. Doesn’t matter, either way, fact is I said what I meant.
I don’t have many wishes and wants left. Just one or two. I told Jacky and jeff what they are but I won’t go into it here. It doesn’t matter cause the question comes back to me. Why am I not afraid to die? Why am I ready to do?
It dawned on me. Cause….. no matter how painful it felt, how sad I was, how happy it brought me though, I have experienced what is said to be mankind’s greatest gift. At least in my books, the greatest gift to mankind. There are 2. One is, the ability to cry. The other is the ability to love.
Is love a blessing or a curse. It’s hard to say and it is for another night. I have 2 words for now. Ying n Yang.
In my life, I have had 2 seperate nightmares. Nightmares in which terrible things happened and sacrified my life in order to save the person. 2 seperate occasions, 2 seperate people. I thought bout it and yes I do love them a lot. I love them to bits. I would indeed give up my life for them.
One of them, won’t give a shit. Technically, this person is no longer worth dying for. But put me in a real scenario where it happens, I think I’ll still do what I’ll do.
The other loves me to hell, but I haven’t been giving it back much at all.
See? What a fucked up scenario right. Attention to one who don’t deserve it but yet the other who does, lacks it. Am I gonna say that’s life? Hell no. I still have the chance to do something bout it. I do.
I was gonna release the identities of these 2 people. But Jacky convinced me that I should not. I should fold it in my heart to be kept there forever. I think he’s right. To put it in this place, in my own sanctuary, deep deep down my heart where no one can reach, well beneath the armour and all.
Suddenly, I feel whole again…
Speaking of sanctuary, don’t all of us have one? Where we do not allow anyone to enter. I shared my sanctuary with my ex during the time we were together. There’s nothing left that is pure and virgin in my heart. I need to find new places, new sanctuaries, where it’s beautiful, peaceful and definitely free of thoughts. A place where I can call my own, relax, meditate and be inspired.
Perhaps I’m weak. I am not able to remove the impurities from my old sanctuaries. Everytime I go, the whole sanctuary is contaminated with thoughts, words, voices, scent, emotions and everything. I can’t be alone, with my own thoughts. I did let someone in, but unfortunately it is not meant to be shared a life time. Once an outsider steps in, it will forever be everything but pure.
You know the saying where it goes, the best conversation is when you sit with a person and say nothing at all. I seem to be able to do that with people at the extreme ends. I haven’t had the chance to feel someone was with me. I was always with someone. I gave them the feeling of being protected. I sit, or I lie next to them. I pat their head. I hold their hand. But I too have problems sometimes. But no one has ever been able to connect spiritually. I can connect with them, but they can’t with me. I don’t know why.
My ex would use soothing words, and he’ll think of ideas that are symbolic in nature to free all my worries. I remember once my ex (who loves butterflies) bred a birdwing, and when it was ready to take flight he put it in a box, came to my place and told me, “Whatever worries you have, tell it to the butterfly. When you are done, open the box and let him take flight and he will take away all your worries with it.”
Was it sweet? Yes and it still is. It didn’t really help there and then. But now when I recall it all, tears trickle down my cheeks. He never really had to worry bout anything major. The worst was the problems with his family, specifically his dad. Everything else little or small I tried to solve for him. In time to come I would realise I was doing so much I seem to be running his life.
You know, it takes a lot to make me cry. No movies have made me cry. Apart from the death of my Aunt and my dog I don’t remember many other times that I’ve dropped a tear or two. I’ve never cried over someone else in my whole life. As a kid yeh I cried. Mostly tears of anger. I was a stubborn kid. If I got whacked I wouldn’t even wince. You had to hit me 10 times till the pain becomes unbearable and then I’ll cry. I’m that stubborn. You won’t push me over and expect me to fall down and cry. I would have returned a kick in the balls and watch you cry before I did. That’s how I’m like.
But him..
I think I’m following in my mom’s footsteps. She probably doesn’t know how alike it is but it is. I know she stil lloves and misses my father no matter what. It was one night when I was still a kid and she came over while I was asleep. Once, to ask me if she should marry my lao pa. The other time, was to tell me what she really felt bout her and my dad. I never forgot that night. I don’t even know if she remembers it. She wrote me a letter, voicing concerns over my social life. Yeh, ’social’ life. I have yet to reply. I will soon enough. My mom and my dad just do not belong together. Character clashes and all. But it doesn’t mean they can’t love one another. My mom’s a pretty lady and my dad’s handsome. He’s just as handsome as he was back then. They fell in love, but love wasn’t enough. It just isn’t. And it is that thought that has been holding me back for nearly all my life.
Love sometimes just aint enough. But I was fortunate to have experienced how it feels like. And now you know why I say, I’ll die a happy man.
I don’t need to experience how it feels like to hold onto a million bucks. Or anything at all. I have cried. I have loved. Just tell me, what more am I missing? Don’t tell me every year we learn a whole lot new things blah blah.
Rubbish. Pure rubbish. Neo will tell you he can teach you how to fly a heli in 30 seconds. Fantasy? Exactly. All the things we see and experience are all virtual. They don’t mean anything. We go through them like robots.
But can robots cry? Can they feel? Can they love?
History repeated itself in some parts of my life with relation to my dad. And some my mom. Why? They are very detailed events, not at all generic.
As you all know, I’m not someone who likes to rattle bout such stuff to people. I rather write them down and if it’s cool enough I’ll blog and share it with everyone. But you do know I love ya.
Ben, I wanna get you out on Sat cuz I don’t want you to think bout something the whole day before heading to the club. It will be an emotional day for you and I rather you hang out with me and zane if she is free. She’s so blur and sweet she tickles me to death. Even if we don’t talk bout it, maybe we shall see if this sit down and don’t talk conversation thing works hah hah. You know if you had a lousy day, or you’re sad, there is always a mudpie to cheer you up. And when you are cheered up, clubbing will generally be rather fun. I was telling jacky, has anyone reahed the stage where you are able to block out everything from your brain and all you have inside are music beats and when you close your eyes all you see is yourself dancing alone under the flashing lights? I always have that in my dreams. I hear my songs and I see myself dancing, even while I sleep. It does have a lasting effect on me. Bottom line, you shouldn’t be alone.
It is not very often that I am able to block all thoughts out so that explains how addictive the club can be, even if I sit there and listen. It takes me away, for just that lil while.
Jeff, I hope it is clearer to you now. I don’t really know if we’re hit the same thing. You and shaun. Cuz I picture you two in my head and I figure I would do a hell lot for him despite what he does and what he says, if I really loved him. Me and my mom, we’re capable of anything when we love someone. Trust me.
I’m so sorry if I bored the rest of you. I hope I haven’t. The flow of emotions doesn’t always come so when it does, I would wanna write it down somewhere.
if there’s anything to rejoice over, errr.. it’s TGIF! And the weekend is here! And the prince always says, take it easy and have fun. Always 2 words to all of you. Keep smiling!
