Life For Rent

What’s with all the turtles on my msn. So Steve Irwin died. The best part. I didn’t even know who he is ( I don’t have cable… nor do I watch TV a hell lot) but my dear dear does. hah. Look who is the mountain tortise here?

And yes. And so he pased away. Unfortunate indeed. The irony of life. Chasing crocs all his life literally and he get stung and killed by a stingray. That is how ironic life can be. Maybe he’s too good a person that God called him home earlier than all of us.

Dear was with me for the past few nights. It was nice. So nice that we slept right through Comex. Called one person out, say busy, gotta play with the new toy. Call another, same story. The whole LJ is on people talking bout their new comps. tsk tsk. Dear and I would have went. Ah well..

I was chatting with Jamal and we were talking bout his love stuff and all. I know I’m self centered. Ego. Whatever the word is. Doesn’t matter. Don’t deny it either. My dear knows how I am like. I teased him quite a bit here and there but most of it wasn’t from deep within me but rather more of a mouth bitch I am just like a lot of people out there

I have said it and I’ll say again.Mark is still mark. Personality doesn’t usually change much. The greater part of ditchdog’s set of attitudes though have long since gone. The love he once had for someone he once loved has long since gone too. Noris would say. Even dear would also say. Move on. He is not worth it.

It is true. However I couldn’t deny the hurt. And over the past few months, I taught myself what Me Myself and I really stood for. I buy what I like. I pamper myself. I eat whatever I like. I open bottles as I like. I invite whoever I like to drink and dance with me. I don’t give a %#$^ to what the others have to say or think about it. And why should I? Baz Lurhman’s track said “Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room”. I say “Just dance, like no one is watching.” No one should really dictate your life, so why let them?

Jamal was upset that I left him with his problems and all. Perhaps it is just me. Perhaps I am not someone who will come up to you and say honeyed words. Dear knows honeyed words are not part of my dictionary. But heart meant words are. So you won’t be hearing words like “I miss you” if it is just for the sake of saying. As a matter of fact, I do say what I intend to. Sometimes I know it will sound nasty, so I rather not say anything at all. At other times, I wanna share a lil something with someone.

You see, I’ve learnt a lot of stuff on my own. I may not be good in many of them but I did learn them on my own. I learn how to do radio on my own (I was 12 when I bought my own tape, put it into the recorder and recorded myself introducing songs and all. Hell my voice didn’t even break then yet!) and it wasn’t too long ago then I ventured into the other end of DJing on my own. But I did have problems with equipment( (I don’t have my own decks and mixers and all) and all so I sought some coaching from my mentor. I also learnt to love. I loved someone to bits. So much so I was willing to put everything aside, and knew deep down in my heart that ultimately he will leave me and not the other way round. And that he did, at a time when I was just deciding that I’ll get a couple ring for us for xmas back then. One for him and one for me, and that I will wait for him to return from his studies when he leaves. I could never handle long distance relationships cause I feel it just isn’t fair. But I was prepared to try. I said it before. If I love someone enough, anything goes. Nothing is impossible.

But he chose to leave. And within 2 weeks he was going out with not one, but 2 guys I think. Wow. All the love, and within 2 weeks you can actually go and be fond of someone else? WOW. Shit happens yeh? I was hurt. Quite bad. I think I’ve shared it with Princess Rach then. Only she knows how I felt like. I don’t like to seek to others for my own problems. I don’t feel better after sharing anyway. I just want her to know what is happening in my life and all. She means enough to me. But I shall stand up on my own. And that I did eventually. The way I see it, when you stand up on your own 2 feet, no one can ever push you over. If you stand up using my 2 feet, you’ll fall as soon as I kick your ass. The point is, what comes from within, stays with you forever. Something no one can take away. And I want a little of that of my friends. I want them to be able to depend on themselves and not on someone else all the time. Sure we fall sometimes. Sure we need a lil help sometimes. Everyone has their own problems. When I’m out with friends, it is a time for me to put it aside for a while and just chill. I’m not the kind of person who will call you out and say hey, let’s meet I got some problems I need an ear. I don’t mind lending my ear. But you stand up on your own. One day, you’ll be there and someone will call you self centered. But you won’t really give a shit. There is a huge difference between confidence, self centeredness and egoism. I am always learning and I love to learn. I tell myself and others, no matter how good you think you are, there is ALWAYS someone else better in this world.

Mr angelboi, are you following so far?

Honestly, ask Phoenyx or anyone. If you tell them bout the stuff you go through, you’ll get trashed. On one hand, they have had enough of it all in the sense, they are probably more jaded than you are so when you have 2 jaded fellas it is worse than 2 like poles colliding. “Been there done that” is a symptom of it all, whenever you hear someone utter those words. There is never 2 of the same thing and every relationship, past present and future is always different. If I felt everyone is gonna treat me like someone did in the past I would have gone to be priest. Or nun. Whichever..doesn’t matter..

Have faith in oneself. You don’t need to flaunt anything. Not confidence, not sexuality, not anything. Let people decide how they wanna label you. There is nothing you can do cuz their mouth is theirs. Call me fat, ugly, lousy dancer, lousy DJ, bitchy, egoistic… whatever. If you think I am gonna say “I don’t give a shit” then you are wrong. I will take it in, think ,analyze, see if there’s room for improvement and then decide if I shall keep or trash the feedback.

Strive not to change yourself. But to improve oneself for the better.

As for dear, if you think I am never worried that you will run away, that is so not true. I didn’t build my armour for nothing. And everyone, including me, is pretty much sick and tired of getting hurt. Aren’t we all sick of that? You and I have to put in effort. Think for ‘us’ rather than I”. It is a relationship, not someone masturbating to himself where all he needs to do is to please himself. At times I can be full of myself, but as I showed you yesterday, I don’t recall major incidents of me being taken advantaged of. No one has ever asked me for a car ride home. It is up to me to offer. There are a LOT of people out there who own cars and know what I am talking about and how irritating it can be. But I don’t get shit like that. Call me whatever you want, but these same people, sometimes I’m the one who sits and watch from afar and laughs when shit like that happens to them. Suffice to say, call me whatever you want, but I am not the person driving 3 people home living in 3 different zones *big grin*

Moving along, dear shared some of the horoscope stuff he read about with me.
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The symbolism of Cancer the Crab and Pisces the Fish swimming together into the sunset may seem all wet, but this match promises oceans of love.
You make a romantic couple. Pisces has to discover the finer aspects of Cancer. And Cancer has to hold the interest of Pisces. Then alone you will develop intimacy. There are several differences but you adjust to each other well. Cancer wants exclusive company of Pisces but Pisces likes a crowd. If Pisces seeks solitude, Cancer feels insecure.

Cancer and Pisces is an affectionate, sensitive couple who will help foster each other’s ego. Pisces is an imaginative dreamer but Cancer is an imaginative worker-and together they can turn dreams into reality. Pisces provides romance in Cancer’s life, and Cancer is the all-protective lover Pisces needs. Both are emotional, intensely devoted, sensitive to each other’s moods.
They’ll hit it off in the boudoir, for both are responsive sexually. Cancer has to take the lead but Pisces is a very willing, erotic follower. A very harmonious match.
Cancers feel safe with Pisces and often perceive them as fragile and soft (which they are but only half of the time). These 2 can merge to a depth that is not easily obtained by other signs. Pisces are free with their sexuality often not adverse to alternative styles and love the aggressive sexuality that lies in Cancer. Pisces feel safe when you are in control.
Both partners in the relationship have high imaginations. They might understand each other well. Both signs are of the element water. They both value emotional security and can often enjoy a very close relationship with each other. A Cancer is more than capable of dealing with Pisces’ frequent depressions. A Cancer may find a Piscean highly interesting.
The Pisces’ tremendous imaginative ideas are very well shared with partner Cancer.
Sexually they may build up chemistry, and the expression of love and romance will play a significant role in their relationship. Their physical union may just be an expression of their already existing union !

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haha and so I evaluated to see how true it is. I thought it was quite true over all. Bout 90% in relation to what it said bout cancer and how it relates to how I function.
The last line the horoscope has is definitely true! *blush*

I think we have sorta learnt a lot more bout one another from living together over the past few days. I especially like the nights and the candles in the bathroom and everywhere. So romantic. So sensual. The aromatherapy oils (something that I have but long forgotten, along with 3 different pottery). In a very unlikely scenario, under unusual circumstances and by loads of chemistry, I fell in love with dear. And I do love him to bits. You all want pictures of us right? tsk tsk tsk.. well we took one at the heeren. Will take another sometime. Be patient! One fine day I will put it up…

What makes a relationship? Timing and chemistry has loads to do with it. If I got to know him in the past, maybe we wouldn’t have gotten together. He wouldn’t be what he is today and neither would I. I would be that sick bitch I used to be in the past. Come to think of it, I should thank someone a hell lot for it all. I wouldn’t be what I am today if it weren’t for him.

Will I crash one day? It is hard to say. No one can predict the future.

Why do I love my dear? He is always asking me that question. I gave him the truth, but it wasn’t enough. Why is the truth never enough for people? Why does almost everyone I know love to get ‘conned’ willingly by honeyed words. Such a sweet meaningful sms from someone but little did you know it came from a song. Such a disappointment when I found out. *sigh*

But I’m telling you all. This is a shout out isn’t it? So here goes. Why do I love him? Cause he stole the armour protected heart that no one else had been able to do so, away from me.