What lies beneath..
Apr 30, 2008 in My Shout Outs
I was writing a comment on princess rach’s blog and inadvertently ended up writing an entire blog post… haha. She was writing about some thoughts and I added my comment. Here are the contents. Unaudited.
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I have gone past thinking about a lot of things. Which is why I have a fuck-it attitude. I am no angel but I dont think I am such a devil that everyone would wanna put me to death. If that is so, then just do what pleases you. I go through life in my nonchalant way. Misunderstand me all they want, I dont really care. In the gay arena I have heard I am a macho mary, I am a bottom, and I love to get fucked by ang mos. I seriously wonder where did they come from but i dont really care. People ask me, am i a bottom? I just smile in their face. I let them decide what that smile means, on their own.
I havent had an extremely close friend die on me yet. Pls dont ask me to imagine my grandma, isaac, or you. I can only think of, if there is anything strong enuff to set off a catalytic trigger for a complete change in me, this could be it. The whole earth can become ice age again and it won’t do anything to freeze me.
as for maturity, it can get u far. but there is also a price to pay. I have been trying to get my childish side back but it seems to be gone. I remember noris commented he has never seen that crazy side of me during that jalan raya session we did a couple years back. i dont think I have matured much over the past couple years. What seems to have happened is, I have been molded into what I think people expect of me. the face i present in the corporate world. the coldest heart in the stock market. I dont like it, but I cant fight it. I seek, almost every single night, to the mark i know who would stop halfway through a journey cause he spotted a swing and he wants a go at it for a while. I find no traces of him anymore. Innoc-ence..? I’ve almost forgotten to spell the word. I think mid-life is a still a long way for me. My point is, the world is cold and heartless. Eat, or be eaten. Survive, or die. Everyone has to breathe on their own. No one can breathe on their behalf for if that is what is happening, you are already clinically dead. Friends are around you to accompany and pace you through the journey together, but end of the day you need to stand up for your own. Stand up for who you are. Not what you are supposed to me. Unfortunately, most of the time, it’s the latter that takes precedence.