As I sat down onto my desk after getting home from a hair cut just a while ago, I noticed an email from the ex. I was quite surprised over the contents of it. In a good way. The ex did something which I thought the ex would never do. Let’s call the ex A. It was customary of A to seek forgiveness and all during the Hari Raya period. I reckon it is customary.
A went on to wrote how humiliated and how A couldn’t wait to finish paying me back so A could leave me alone. A also said the times we were together taught many things and was cherished.
In facebook, the line I have in there always is ‘Treasure your memories, for it could very well be the last thing you have left”. I used to visualise, when that happens, and I open up my memory, what will I see? I have been having quite a fair bit of memory problems.. being very forgetful or absent minded. It started earlier this year.. got a bit better but over the past 2 months it seems to have deteriorated a lot. It’s actually bothering me a lot and I’ve been wanting to visit my doctor about it. I sounded off to him before about it but I don’t really know if he is of any help? I thought it was just sheer exhaustion and my trip would help regain my ’sanity’ but in fact for some reasons appear to have gotten worse. My long term memory is intact but my extreme short term memory fades away very quickly. At work I created something on sharepoint so I can track all the tasks I need to do for fear of forgetting something. When I really need to remember something, I talk to myself repeating what I need to do vocally. A long time ago in a memory lesson class it is said, when you say something outloud the brain will register it better. It is true, it works. I gotta say it out loud, not just in my head. So if I appear a lil queer… do pardon me. Maybe my brains took cue from me to forget certain things, that it has begun to do so from the most recent memory backwards.
Anyway back to the ex. So I saw A on MSN and I dropped a message to try and understand what’s going on. A probably figured how much A had been taking advantage of me. I couldn’t figure what was bothering A though. I emphatized.. and initially I was thinking, why should I even bother. If A had problems A could just go talk to that shameless ARSE. Why should I even bother?
Rach will know. Alvin will know. How many times I have spoken up for A. You know what hurt me the most other than the betrayal of sorts? It was the fact that one upon a time, when someone (who is no longer in my circle of friends) mentioned something bout A and that ARSE, A defended that arse, saying that arse doesn’t deserve to be misunderstood. Wow. As if I didn’t exist it. It was that instant, overnight, i decided to turn my heart into stone.
Obviously Rach and Alvin will deny and say it wasn’t stone enough. Well, I am only human. Still. The day I can cast it into a concrete slab, I think even my mei mei will desert me cause I will have zero guilt, zero everything and I will unleash everything inside me into the world and it is not gonna be pretty. I am afterall, pretty vengeful inside… it is just that I suppress it.
Perhaps A and a lot of people are right. U don’t keep in touch with the ex. I have kept in touch with my exes since tens of years ago. They are good friends of mine. A, if I choose to, would be the first I will choose to avoid. I can forgive what A did, but I highly doubt I can forget.
22nd Sept. This will probably be our last conversation for a long time to come. I have saved the full conversation for good measure, and have since blocked and deleted A from the list. Is uppose it is better this way. When our ties can fully be unbounded I’ll elect to delete more stuff away.
I am not sure if anyone can comprehend. I am not asking anyone to either. Every case is unique in their own way. Only the wearer will know how the shoe feels. Same brand same color same size, is not going to be anywhere near the same. It is quite a struggle and it is something I usually keep insid cause it is really pointless to talk or think bout it too much. It is something I have to resolve on my own and with my character, I’ll elect to do it on my own.
I am glad the trip to Perth didn’t erect much emotions. I feared Kings’ Park the most but we went in the day. It’s a good thing… the other times I was there was always at night. That stupid room that sleeps 5 was a nightmare. I suppose I am just thankful I wasn’t the one sleeping on the double bed. It was memorable.. but didn’t bring up anything much from the past. I didn’t think bout it at all till just 10 mins back and I am actually quite surprised my stone casting spell somewhat worked.
I suppose I will always have a small soft spot for A. Even a teacher would have a soft spot for a good student. I just emailed some teachers and lecturers from the past till back in Secondary school some days back wishing them a very belated Teachers’ Day. Once my teacher, always my teacher. If I acknowledge someone as my teacher it does show that person did make a difference in my life. As soft a spot I may have for A, I can never forget quite a few things. Each time I get a lil weak I will remind myself of those things that happened. From a concrete slab that was melting into beancurd, it would solidify again instantly.
It is best to remain apart. To put it crudely, my well being and whether I’m alive or not should be of no concern to A, and vice versa. It is another milestone reached. It has been an experience for A as much as for myself. I give no blessings for each day I remain alive. In fact I challenge death to come take me if he so dares. I eat what I want, I do what I want, I buy what I want. And I enjoy them. It is queer my financial planner asked me today for some time cause he wants me to nominate a beneficiary to all my insurance policies. At that point I said I wasn’t in the mood to talk bout it cause I was in the middle of work and yeh sure as hell wasn’t in the mood.
I suppose once I get it done, I have really settled everything I needed isn’t it? My most valuable assets are in my policies. I will ask him if I can make a few nominees.. in that way I don’t even need a will..
And so I challenge anyone, or anything (as I have for 9 months now, and 9kgs heavier since the start of the year probably) to come take me! If what some say is true, and I get to come back as a freaking ghost, I will be hunting down people one by one. In the 20-22 years of my life, I have not forgotten. If I had it my way, no amount of knee begging is gonna work as I gut them and everyone around them alive. I am not even gonna scream n shout ‘beware’. They won’t even know what hit them. What they will see last, is me.
Do I have issues? Maybe. That’s what one sees or hears from me. Issus. Only I know how many I have, and how deep. Like my mei mei however, I know who’s been good to me. Since I was a kid till the day I die. I know.. and I will always be eternally grateful. Always.
By the time I am done with this post, I will look the same (with a nice new haircut), sound the same, speak the same, smell the same.
True to what people say bout faggots. I am just like that. I love, to come from behind.
