Life For Rent

One of the little things that is important to me is that I should never dread going to work. Of late that has been happening and it has been getting more and more intense and the more intense it gets the more annoyed I get and it goes around spinning in a vicious cycle.

I dislike dreading to go to work and now that I do, I dread it even more. It is crazily annoying. The money is one thing. That aside, I can feel my claws protruding and my teeth showing itself (so far I have grit my teeth in the day and grind them at night). Soon I will be thirsty for blood.

We had a pact which we stated from the start of the week that we would like to fulfill come Christmas only. We did miss each other a whole lot so I went to see him but despite everything and I mean everything we stuck to our guns and I can honestly tell you it was no mean feat. I very much wanted something and so did he but the affections we have for each other is very sacred in that sense and I am very glad we managed to stick onto our promise to each other. To wait, patiently. It was no easy feat that is for sure! Why am I glad? That despite temptations and all we managed to stick onto our little promise; and that means quite a bit to me cause it shows me how much he means to me and how sacred a promise is to each other. I don’t like to make promises that I have no intention of keeping. Then again, we didn’t exactly make a promise did we?  However we did say what we would not like to do.

I know it all appears lovey dovey and silly and maybe it is. I am entitled to my sillyness once in a while right. The bottom line is, we managed to hold it off despite all odds. It was disappointing to us there and then for both of us but I trust it will be all good and will be set right later, very shortly. I can’t wait… to begin a new life with him. I know I have said many mushy stuff in the past but it is different this time. Very different. I will save the mushy stuff here but what I’d say to my meechy baobei is – I am glad I found you, and I am not going to let you go that easily. If I can help it, I don’t wanna let you go at all.

Let it be said here, and hold true for as long as time lets us.

I had to make a tough decision today to put my feet down and demand that my rights be served. Those around me who are in the know of the financial saga between me and my ex may know that an amount was due by the end of the year. Imagine my reaction when he asked for a further extension due to legit (but non excusable) reasons. The way I function is led by solutions that crop up along the way. I don’t really like to hear excuses especially when there is a committment to fulfil. Rach mei mei chided me before on the graciousness I bestowed on him earlier this year. I spoke up for the ex and time after time, extensions were granted. A promise was made to deliver, and when it is not delivered, I don’t expect reasons. I expect solutions. A person jolly well thinks about it long and hard before a promise is made. If a promise is made lightly, then what good does a promise do? Under extreme conditions yes I will understand and give in, as I have for the past 1 year. I am not unreasonable. The reasons given this time is nothing new. Expect the unexpected, and when you fail to deliver you just have to find some ways to do something about it.

What made me boil were words like ‘slowly but surely’ referring to the repayments. What does that do? Nothing. I know what I did today were nasty, to the point that I probably dashed every single bit of dignity left in him. I do trust he didn’t mean to delay payment and he would if he could, but time after time I have always been placed behind the queue. I was scolded by people and they were right. Why should I grant extensions cause someone ‘needed a holiday’ and had to cater budget for that? I believe he does need one. But what about me? Do I look like a bank? No! If I were a bank and I wish I were, I would have levied interest rates. Instead I am the one absorbing the interest on his behalf. Not once have I gone after him for that.

To sum it all, I was forced to put both my feet down. People just have to back me into a corner and force me to take drastic actions. Why? I never understood. Till today I don’t know. Why do people force me to turn nasty? Do I look like someone who says ‘it is okay’ once or twice imply it is okay to climb on top of my head to shit there? I dislike that to the CORE.  I thought bout all that happened all year, and yesteryear and got really sick of being the kind and understanding ex that Rach and Alvin will not approve of. I thought of how he literally ran to someone else after we parted ways. Heck it happened even before we parted ways.I cannot forget it, but I have forgiven.I was nice all year round and if I really have to I will unleash the whole year’s worth of crap in one fluid motion. I am not someone who makes blank threats. If I said it I have every intention of carrying it out but I though I am not proud of it, I will destroy the person both at work and at home if I have to. Yes, I can be very vicious and it is something I have been trying to work on and keep it down but there I have people coming down on me just when I am trying to be nice to force me to attack. Attack to kill.

I am human. I hope people will be nice to me too. Mei mei has the kindest soul I have known, and some others around are kind to me too and I am always very appreciative of it. I want to be nice.  I don’t want to be that rottweiler. However it does seem people just don’t want to give me that chance to stay nice, do they?

As mei mei says too, I know who is good to me. I also know who is taking me for granted and I resent that, a hell lot.

I really hate what I had to do today. I thought about it for a while, made myself calm and collected before I executed it. I can get things done fast and am in general an impatient person but I am neither very rash nor impulsive. Or so I think. I think bout things long and hard in my own mind before carrying it out. It just that most of the time I do not vocalise those thoughts giving the impression I am impulsive. It doesn’t really matter what peopl think anyway.

So as I listen to Sting’s Fragile (after hearing another track of the same title from Rick Price), thinking how fragile relationships can be. Between friends, between people you know, between people you love, and once loved. Is it of anyone’s fault? I don’t know. I do ask myself this question, just before the song ended; if I could turn back time, would I have done what I did today? To demolish every bit of dignity left in an ex,to shame and disgrace (short of doing publically, which I would have if he forced me to) him down to the bone, would I have done it still?

Yes I would. Nuff said.

A colleague of mine said ever since I moved to this place, I have been in a bad mood with things going haywire for me. Perhaps she is right. I aint sure. Never thought of it that way. Even if it is true, I am gonna tackle them head on. I am like that goat (mountain sheep, translated from mandarin) with horns who’s stubborn and would charge its horns at a far larger tiger even.

Everyone’s away, doing little things here and there. Dinner, movies and what not. Things which I have no interest in at the moment, so I chose to stay back and do a little more work before coming home for an early night. I texted Colin if he is free tomorrow and that perhaps we can meet up for some chit chat since I haven’t seen him for a bit. At least before the year comes to an end. I have so many invites to events on Saturday and thus far as much as I really wanted to do it (movies, drinking and bitching) I decided I didn’t wanna spoil anyone’s mood and spend that money on stuff that is of little interest to me right now. One fine day, there will be a massive rebound on all of that. I shudder to imagine what will happen then.

I wish my baobei was here next to me. Just there, silently, with me. I have been wishing for a lot of things this year come to think of it. I don’t wanna and don’t like to disturb anyone? There are some stuff which I actually feel like saying but I don’t know how to put across to him for now.  As I put it,  I am no alaskan nor sri lanka crab. I am a small hermit crab. Yes rach I know, I am not that small in size.. I have had a lot of time to think about stuff tonight and I wonder, if 7 days a week is even enough for everything and everyone around him without my existance. Would my existance make things even more hectic? I don’t know. I’d ask him next time. I am trying to somewhat transit from being used to alone to being with someone else. Yet I don’t wanna be like an old grandfaher bugging and irritating everyone else around.

Let not my mood spoil everyone’s. It is an end to an extremely erractic year. The days ahead should get better pending no major surprises. I am somewhat used to dealing with the good and bad alone and I don’t expect that to drastically change. Let’s hang in there together, shall we?

It is a slow day. Took my time to the bus stop. Took my time to work. Taking my time through everything cause I aint feeling well, and for 2 nights in a row I felt like puking. The kinda feeling I have never quite felt before. I think, perhaps, thinking what has happened over the last few days just makes me wanna puke.

I have had tonsilitis for the longest time of my life till I treated it permanently so I don’t really get sick anymore, but this, this is new..

I am quite disappointed when I read something from someone but I am shrugging it off. People who generalise, are just that, very ‘general’. Like the grass and weeds that grow everywhere on the roads.

The markets are slow today too, though taking cue from overnight gains on Wall Street. Trying desperately to get my hands on SembCorp which is confirming a buy signal yesterday while trying to close another position that is due to be closed.

I just want this week to end. If only I can sleep through it. If only.

It has been an absolutely horrendous start to the week, spilling over from the previous week and all. How can I equate it? I don’t know if anyone remembers the kind of market crash experienced in the beginning of the year and late last year. Every thing tanked day after day after day. People stare in disbelief. People look on in horror. The darlings of yesterday traded on the market has become today’s nightmare. All that has since past but you get the point. Disbelief. Horror. Totally unbelievable. I am actually glad the day is over but I don’t know how long I can handle the negativity in the air, but I have been tested and I survived. I will do my best, to survive this round too. I must. I need to be there for mei mei. I need to be there for JP too. He seems to take certain things well but perhaps it has gone past that. It is a little different for me cause I handle a team and it sorta pains me to see the kind of trash they get too. Yes, I treat them like my peers (for we really began as peers back then) and we’re very good colleagues back at work. It is just unbelievably bad when I see the kind of review they had during our annual performance review. I fought wars with them. Not being able to appraise them was one thing. Not being able to do whatsoever, kinda hurts me. I tried my best though, channeling them through another way but I really wonder if it is futile. Unfortunately there comes a point where one may just need to look out for his or herself..

There is nothing bright around me. It is gloomy beyond gloomy. Did we hold our hopes far too high? I didn’t think I was unreasonable in my expectations.  I didn’t think anyone of us was. Yet..?

I am very drained… but JP has been there, supporting me though he perhaps, aint in much of a better position himself. I am very thankful for that really. I am also very thankful for mei mei’s support. I kinda miss the bestie too and perhaps I should call him up one of these days. Catch up, meet up and all.

I am a very very drained crab. I really wanna get away for the CNY like what I have been doing but I am not sure if it will materialise this time round. I guess I shall just wait and see what fate decrees..I don’t really wanna see or meet anyone at the moment, save for the couple of close friends and JP.. I don’t wanna spread the gloom, especially during this season. I am gonna try my best to perk up a little for the lil Christmas party I’m throwing. Just for this one day.

That said, I have a track which has been accompanying me. John Legend’s PDA. Public display of affection. It actually depicts a lot of what I would like to do someday. I aint gonna head to the extreme and do exactly how the song goes but the idea is there. I’d like PDA to be part of my life. To be part of my partner’s life. Discreetly. Why shouldn’t we be allowed to show our affection for one another. Isn’t love, universal, free from gender and sexuality equality? I don’t need pride parties and all. In fact I don’t want them around. The freedom to love however, is another thing altogether. I’d like to show my bf, how much he means to me, how much I love him, how turned on I am by him in many ways.

John Legend put it the way I wanted to. I wanna kiss him underneath the stars…

No I am not referring to John Legend of course!

I did that the other night. If I heard the song earlier it might have been a lil different. I might have done it there and then. Do what? That is for me to know…. and no, it is not making love in the park!

The track can be heard by playing on the mp3 player on the right. Here’s the lyrics…  the lines that depict how I feel and my vision of things, are in bold.

PS – baobei, no pressure okay. I am not asking for us to do anything close… but it is just somewhat of a fantasy of mine.. to be able to hold and kiss the person underneath the stars.

“P.D.A. (We Just Don’t Care)”

Let’s go to the park
I wanna kiss you underneath the stars
Maybe we’ll go too far
We just don’t care,
We just don’t care,
We just don’t care.

You know I love you when you’re loving me
Sometimes it’s better when it’s publicly
I’m not ashamed, I don’t care who sees
Us hugging & kissing our love exhibition all

We’ll rendezvous out on the fire escape
I’d like to set off an alarm today
The love emergency don’t make me wait
Just follow I’ll lead you
I urgently need you

Let’s go to the park
I wanna kiss you underneath the stars
Maybe we’ll go too far
We just don’t care
We just don’t care
We just don’t

Let’s make love, let’s go somewhere they might discover us
Let’s get lost in lust
We just don’t care,
We just don’t care,
We just don’t care.

I see you closing down the restaurant
Let’s sneak and do it when your boss is gone
Everybody’s leaving we’ll have some fun
Or maybe it’s wrong but you’re turning me on.
Ooh, we’ll take a visit to your Mama’s house
Creep to the bedroom while your Mama’s out
Maybe she’ll hear it when we scream and shout
And we’ll keep it rocking until she comes knocking

Let’s go to the park
I wanna kiss you underneath the stars
Maybe we’ll go too far
We just don’t care,
We just don’t care,
We just don’t…

Let’s make love,
Let’s go somewhere they might discover us.
Let’s get lost in lust
We just don’t care,
We just don’t care,
We just don’t care.

If we keep up on this fooling around
We’ll be the talk of the town
I’ll tell the world I’m in love any time
Let’s open up the blinds ’cause we really don’t mind

Ooh I don’t care about the propriety
Let’s break the rules and ignore society
Maybe our neighbors like to spy, it’s true
So what if they watch when we do what we do

Oh, let’s go to the park
I wanna kiss you underneath the stars
Maybe we’ll go too far
We just don’t care,
We just don’t care,
We just don’t…

Let’s make love, let’s go somewhere they might discover us…

Morning everyone! Why am I so chirpy? Strange. I had (and still am) having a terrible week at work, my tummy is bloated and I felt like vomitting all the time and looking at the way things go it is gonna get worse.

2 main bright spots in my life though and in no order of importance whatsoever.  Mei mei has always been there, supporting me, encouraging me, hanging around with me throughout the years. It has been around 7 years or so yet it feels like I have known her forever. This is proof that long term relationships can last!

The next bright spot in my life is JP. It hasn’t been that long and I have always wanted a longer dating phase because I didn’t wanna jump into a relationship during the puppy love stage. That stage is not sustainable and I really don’t want to be in a relationship before it stabalises into something bigger, and brighter. I have done benchmarking on when we could be ready for a relationship. For one, to be comfortable with one another through most of our insecurities. For two, to have gone through a quarrel and see how we make up (if I aint that interested in the person, a simple fight will cause me to lose interest) and how much we mean to each other and how we respond to the fight, regardless of cause. Things are always good in peacetime but during a fight, a lot of things will be tested. We did have our little fight and I think it brought us closer together… a lot. I am better able to understand him and he is better able to understand me. More importantly we can see how fiery and sensitive each of us are, which was a major concern for me as we are both cancerians, with birthdates just 24 hours (or less) apart.

Thirdly, I’d like us to depend on each other, emotionally and sexually. As shallow it may sound, sexual chemistry is of upmost importance to me in all relationships. It is not just getting the act over and done with but rather the bond between two people and the private time the couple spends together is extremely important. Emotional dependence is also very important, knowing the other party will be there for you through good and bad times. To be there, for each other. A huge bonus is, to be able to know how to handle a partner when he’s in a foul mood and stuff. Not many will ever know how to deal with me but, JP knows! Why? He appears to be somewhat similar to me in the sense we hate questions. We just need an emotional support. To get a hug, a peck on the cheek and to just sit with me quietly comforting me with his caring aura. No amount of words will comfort me really. The more words said, the more questions raised, the more it will irritate me. Funny how my exes in the past always said ‘they know me’ but little do they know, they don’t at all. The net result is, I’ll just shut up and keep things to myself and refuse to communicate.

Forth, a common vision on what we want in a relationship in terms of sustainability and all. Are we able to be a good partner to each other? That’s important. A person may be right for me but am I right for him? It is a 2 way thing and I have rejected people in the past cause I am just not the one for them. It is that simple despite the thousand and 1 reasons one can think of.

Fifth, a change of status from that of dating to that of being in a relationship should not have material impact to the couple. You don’t become a date one night and a partner the next. Some will panic. What does a bf do? What should he do? What is expected of him? If one asks these questions it is evidence that the couple hasn’t known each other well enough to decide if they are even ready for a relationship. I have made that mistake in the past and have learnt from it. A change in status shouldn’t add more questions to oneself. It should transit itself seemlessly. Being in a relationship is a recognition that the couple is ready to handle bigger things, together. A sign of committment of sorts that a strong bond has formed. I ask myself, if JP and I became partners one fine day, would there be any material change in terms of expectations and how we treat one another? There should not be. Dating, is more than just finding out how interested both parties are of each other. It is to gauge if both parties are suited to be in a relationship. I reckon that one statement appears easy but in reality it isn’t so. One of the main reasons why I think it is so, is because people dive into things during the puppy love stage.

So those are just a few of the stuff I look at. Notice I used a lot of ‘should’s. I concede, my idea of a relationship is not built on rules. JP and I are not sitting on a pile of rules. The above are just some of my personal benchmarking criteria that I look at. I am not trying to ‘ensure’ the next relationship will be perfect. It is just that if we are not right for one another, I rather remain single for it is futile for me to pursue something that has an almost certain inevitable.

In my own terms, I know someone is right for me when I can vision something. What this something is, will remain private although I have spoken about it to JP and mei mei. For the record, I have never seen that vision with my previous partners. Not that it is of anyone’s fault though!

I am gonna bunk with JP tonight at his place. I’d like to go through our pasts, my blog, our pictures and stuff together. It is easier to do so when we are together which is a form of assurances in case any insecurities arise. It is human to feel a pinch when you look at your date’s history but what is past is past. What remains however, is what defines the person you are dating. That should be embraced! I’d like to assure him and be assured as we dive into our background and all. I really miss JP a lot through these nights and I am looking forward to moving ahead with things, very shortly.

I believe in fate. I believe in destiny. Whichever it is, we appeared in each other’s life under pretty interesting circumstances. I want to do my part and my best, to make this work. There are never any guarantees in life. There are however, assurances that things might go very well. I’d like to be happy. I am certain JP wants to be happy and am confident mei mei too, wants me to be happy. Am I happy? Yes I am.

Have a great remaining friday and a wonderful weekend ahead!

   Good evening! It has been a loooong time since I last did a post. Before I go on I wanna thank Rach mei mei, BS, and a couple colleagues who wished me luck for my early exam today. For the uninitiated it is the Certified Information Systems Auditor (CISA) examination. I was particularly touched when my date woke up early to text me good luck. Thanks dear! *blush*

I was away on my study retreat for I really had to do so in short. I just couldn’t get things done at home cause of the dog. So it was 3 nights in a lovely room with a great bed n pillows for company. I also had a great in house cd playing through the day and night so much so I loved it to bits and bought the CD too! Sensual lounge music.. it has that sensual vocals along with a nice remix of beats which I simply adore. So yes I had a lot of maxwell food, a lot of studying done in the day and night and come bed time I gotta admit without going into details, it was just great. Yes I have been dating someone. Someone who has that uncanny similarity in thoughts perception and a host of other stuff. We both love japanese food too and dislike more or less equal things. I will go into detail on that in the days and weeks months and hopefully years to come. We’re taking our time in dating and see where we head towards. Honestly I have a real good feel to it unlike many others whom doubts existed and I just didn’t share anywhere the same level of chemisty and fondness. It has been a very long while since I was this interested in someone, with a hope of developing a relationship with the person. The time we spent together reaffirmed a lot of things we figured were there but needed confirmation. We headed to lunch today after the exam and then headed up to Mt Faber where we walked through my world of 3 ships and we just chatted and talked and it was really nice. We do realise it is still the puppy love stage and we don’t really want to start a relationship till this stage is over and we head into developing a relationship built on a slow burning coal, rather than sparks flying n flames jumping in the initial stage. I relate it closely to a BBQ fire. What u really want is a sustainable fire, a deep red burning coal. U fan it once in a while and u add coal along the way and it will burn for a long long time. We want to start the relationship only when we are ready, to not rush into things and stuff. The date’s name is JP. JP’s new to relationships (no he is not some 18 year old kid mind you!). JP is in the field of biomedical science and stuff and is working towards a PhD and research.

JP is a cancerian like me with a birthdate REALLY close to mine. I can tell you what’s the sweetest thing.. apart from JP being my type physically mentally emotionally and chemically, he’s sensitive with the right amount and is generally very very lovable. I am very puppy-loved sounding right? Yes I know. I am waiting for this stage to pass…

 JP gave me this little can of chocolates though he asked if I liked chocolates only after he bought it. He bought the dark ones which are not too sweet and he learnt much later I don’t really like sweet stuff that much and chocolates though I take them when I am feeling down hahaa…

Yes yes, JP is a he. Has that answered your question?

He feels we are too early to be taking photos and all (sigh) but that’s ok too my face is still too fat for a nice one I reckon.

I was also busy attending hiring interviews on Friday (one day just before today’s exam, what the heck I was thinking?) and I had 7 to interview in all for 3 spots in 2 separate team (1 spot in mine).  It is back to work on a Monday with loads of stuff to do as the year comes to an end. A lot of things that need my attention and I do indeed plan to sort them all out. I am such a workaholic aren’t I? Actually no, I like my out of office times which is why I am doing what I do right now still even though the organization ill treats us with the pay (as how my boss puts it). Typical role of a service delivery guy.

I am gonna wait for JP to be home cause he wants to chat (so do I!). People have commented I have been glowing and I feel very happy inside of me which is probably something new for the year. I looked shagged as hell but no one has ever commented that I seem to be glowing. Is it that obvious when one is in this dating thing or in love?

I will feature one or two tracks from the CD i bought soon. Honestly, I think it is great love making music. Somewhat my type of music actually even for easy listening. I’ll put the genre as sensual lounge. For now I am taking everyone back to one of my favorites. A beachy feel to it with waves and vocals that just calms me down a lot. It brings back bad memories for me sometimes cause I used to listen a lot of it during my heartbreak mending days where I sneaked off on a retreat to regroup as well. But it is all good now.

Oh, one more thing bout JP. JP plays the piano… so cool right? I wish I could pick up an instrument easily but it is unfortunate that I can’t…

JP dear, remember you told me bout picking up instruments, sunset watching and all and the idealogy of where you might find the guy? Actually many of us have a vision of how the ‘perfect’ guy is. More often than not, people will fall in love and end up with someone who fall under none of those on the list. Totally. It is very strange eh?  I don’t have that type of idealogy.. but as I have mentioned, I try to vision if I can walk down an aisle with the person witnessed by close friends and all. I couldn’t all this while for it takes that very special someone. I will know it, when we cross paths. I do not seek a perfect partner or a perfect being. Instead I seek to explore the perfection in the imperfect being. If I can do that, then that is my idea of perfection. The end and the result is not important. To have loved someone would imply I have indeed not lived in vain. At least, to me.

I am also gonna make one major change and I am quite determined to do this this time round, for him and for us. Not cause he asked me to. He didn’t. But I want to. I still figure I am the lousy luver that I am, but I am going to try my best this time round.

One point however I am somewhat concerned about, and that the start of a possible relationship for me may spell the end for another person’s. I don’t wanna mention who it is but I would really hope the curse can be broken.

I miss u mei mei. I hope u r well… it pains me to see you in bad shape. I trust u will learn how to manage it in the corporate world now that you are there which may not be easier or harder than those days back in school, but it is different and there are new responsibilities which you must step up to. Be brave. Take risks. I quote that from a colleague of mine. You won’t be walking alone. I know I won’t be walking alone in mine either.

I haven’t gone into the Christmassy mood yet, nor have I begun to feel emo during that time of the year yet. I anticipate I will shortly now that I have my exams out of the way. I’d like to spend the season with those who matter to me, for few things would matter and be of significance without them around.

Meantime click on the little player on the right. This is, Bailando Va.

I gotta admit I haven’t posted in a bit. A lot has been going on and I do suppose I needed some time to get accustomed to things.

Have moved to the rented apartment. Didn’t really unpack yet cause there is no real need to. Just the necessities and all.

Exams coming up in a week. Not quite ready for it no thanks to the dog outside my sliding door barking away. I really need to get my exam stuff done and I think I know how to but question is will I do what it takes to achieve that. That’s bother #1.

Bother #2 is bout work. It is crazy out there but you know what, as crazy as it can get, it is the least of my bother cause end of the day I am quite confident of delivering somehow regardless of the stuff stacked against the whole thing.

Bother #3 is about the cat. Since we moved over he has been acting weirdly. I have already decided not to take him with me when I move over to my own apartment. It is however very strange that he has grown a distinct fear of me. The bother comes from not knowing why. He doesn’t like to stay in my room for some reason. He doesn’t sleep on the bed anymore though it was his favorite spot and he could climb up and down the ladder freely to gain access to it. Now, when I approach him, he either runs away to hide in a corner,  or f reezes and cowers in fear unable to move and stuff. Why? I have disciplined him more in the past at the old place and he’ll still come and rub his body against my leg. Not anymore. It sorta breaks my heart. A pet is like a partner to me. I am not sure if anyone treats their pets or partners this way but I do. Perhaps it is hard to comprehend this thing about me. So, I’ll declare it right now right here, Kassey will no longer be my pet. He appears happier elsewhere, with someone else and I guess it is for the better. Just like how things went with my exes..

When a pet dies, the owner gets really upset and stuff. How often does someone see a pet desert the owner. I have had dogs in the past that were really good friends with me. If I trained Oreo I think he’ll be a good friend of mine too. Unfortunately Oreo remains that noisy barking dog that is causing a lot of annoyance to me and my studies.

Perhaps I am quite stressed over a few things and things are beginning to overwhelm me a little.. I need to do something bout it before it consumes me. I was gonna book my study retreat cause of the dog and I really needed to get stuff done but the price sorta made me held back. I was VERY tempted to go ahead with it but as rash and impulsive I may appear to people (I am someone who can mull over something and go right ahead n execute it anytime anyday when people least expect it) I am not so. I am just trained as a trader to perform fast calculations and made a decision if it is a yes or no.

I was mulling, if I should save the 800 bucks, and use that instead of a nice weekend with my new beau. I was mulling over if I should spoil us and head to the ‘biggie’ or do something smaller like M hotel but still get our fill from Cafe 2000.  I was actually looking for a a direction on what to do cause right now I can’t really find one. Yes, I am someone who seeks direction and signs to steer me in unknown paths.

But perhaps, perhaps, I just need to get away and do my studies on the retreat n stay away from everyone. I’ll see no one, I’ll talk to no one unless absolutely necessary. The only people who will see me are the hotel staff and hawkers.

I am quite down, and I think I feel quite stupid, grieving over a lost pet when he is physically just next door. He might be there physically, but the chemistry n connection we once had is gone somehow. It makes me pretty sad, pretty much like a partner who has just walked away.

It might appear I might be embarking on a new relationship but I aint quite sure if I am ready to let down my guard fully. I don’t think I can deal with another pile of trash right now.

I have a lot of work to do tomorrow but tomorrow will be the day I’ll look for signs or rather a lighted path which only I can see as  to what I ought to do.

For now, to stop myself from sinking any further I’ll head to bed, let it all out and cast my heart into stone. At least, temporarily. Tomorrow I will make my decision.

December has never the same since last year. From what I see, there is no reason why that will change this year.