An ‘S’ of a day
Mar 22, 2010 in My Shout Outs
I have truly been ill beyond ill. The latest bout of sinusitis took a lot out of me even though it doesn’t show probably. No one knows how much I had to pant, how hard it is for me to control my voice and tone so that I don’t get into a coughing fit, how scared I am to cough cause my head is pounding every minute and it is just purely tiring to do so especially when being darn ill.
You know, I don’t know shit when it comes to interior designs which is why I hired one in the first place. mei mei aint no expert herself but what she has done was to offer suggestions, regardless of whether I like it or not. She sticks with me every inch of the way and while she does have a vested interest cause she is staying in the same unit ultimately, it is just funny how the whole thing goes and why loads of people always get the wrong idea with me and her. If she had her own place I know she’d want a place thought of together with her partner too. The way I feel right now is, it is me and her in OUR shag pad, with our other halfs as vsitors. Granted, her partner doesn’t have much bearing on decisions cause he would be a visitor at most, but why doesn’t someone see that I am trying to build a home of sorts with the person in mind too. It isn’t about ‘it is my house so I have the final say anyway’ but it is the process of building my first home. My first home. Does anyone have any idea, how many exes of mine have begged literally, to set up my own place knowing I am always open to suggestions cause it isn’t just about me, but it was about us.
Even though mei mei is with me every inch of the way as she has always been, I felt alone. Very alone. The way we sit, the way we talk, the way we discuss and bargain with people, no one will ever think we aint a married couple. I don’t take issue with that per se, but I felt alone. It actually hurts sometimes, but I have been too ill to think about it much of late where even my sense of smell and taste are numb to the core.
I wish I could walk down this path of building my first home together (knowing we will probably never ever have one of our own, be it by choice or by circumstances) but that remains as a fat wish. I’ll get used to walking this journey alone with mei mei.
If there is ONE thing, ONE thing that I know what I want in this whole house building, it is not for the someone to brain storm for me. It is to walk with me. I don’t know anything about what I want in the whole process (you can ask rach mei mei) but the one thing I know I want, I know it is not what I can get. Many a times this whole process wears me down so much cause when I look at designs I look at it not only based on what I like, what my wallet can offer, but also how feasible and how the other would like. Down to the details of the storage area. By taking the latter out of the equation perhaps, it will be a lot easier.
I have not had appetite the entire day, feeling worse than yesterday cause I couldn’t sleep the entire night (and I don’t quite know why either) but I am gonna down some chocolate as food for the night before popping my antibiotics down.
PS – I am not even gonna do the guestroom to the best of my ability. I was smsing during the day and talking to rach bout what she said bout leasing the room out to him. Heck. Even the housemate’s boyfriend asked for computer table so that he can play games while he is over. I don’t even hear of what mine would like and fancy. An extra power point for another laptop so that cables don’t need to run all over the place? Perhaps a suggestion on the type of lighting? Or maybe, a color theme on what’s comfortable to his eyes? Nil. These are things I think about when I look at stuff too, knowing he will probably go ‘I am fine with anything’ cause he is used to this run down room or that run down place. Does it make any sense, that this is not a rented room, or house? That this, for ONCE, is a home to be? I’ve been wondering why I don’t seem to gather any interest at all from him. That just cause one may have zero possible output or suggestions to make and that I am in good hands anyway, imply that it will not be time put into productive use? The only conclusion is, while Rach is thoroughly unhappy where she is and is dying to head out and while I am not utterly miserable per se but still want my own pad, perhaps he just likes where he is, who he is with, status quo. That’s all I can conclude.
Why do I even bother so much. We’ll just stay in separate districts and let everything DIE a natural DEATH eventually. So much for thinking for two. pui! This whole thinking for two thing is probably something said by fricking day-dreamers.
